Dirty Dancing

A friend shared this post recently and I am passing on as it seems to resonate with many people.....


"There is a line in dirty dancing where the dad speaks to Johnny at the end and says something like, "I know when  I have been wrong and I know to admit it." Well that is me this week. I have a co worker who is getting on my last nerve. And I treated them unfairly and unkindly.

How does this fit into my Top 365? Well, there is a personality type that drives me totally crazy. I know this is a trigger and this week I let it get the best of me. The personality is a person who has a heightened attitude toward themselves with no basis for the reality. They are scrappers who usually have come from a place of having to fight to survive as children and they carry it into adulthood. They lie, cheat, and put on airs to be something they are not. They are callous and cold and conniving and usually I really learn to dislike them when I cannot get them to come around to an inclusive way of being. I have found that usually the root conflict is the fact that they are intimidated by me because they know I can see through their false sense of superiority. And usually that is the case because unfortunately their sense of self comes from a place of deep hurt. They reject me and I feel rejected and then the circle begins.

Why can't I let empathy take over and feel a sense of compassion for them? Because they are so hard core and non pliable that I cannot connect to them. They talk down and they are disrespectful and act superior. I don't have a problem with people superior to me in position or intellect or skill. I do have a problem with people who come on with this attitude with no basis for their arrogance.

I don't know what the answer is. I have fought this nemesis for years. It makes me not trust and want to lash out at their rude and abrasive attitude. That usually gets me in trouble. So this week I did just that. I lashed back. This one in particular had a colleague in tow. When I confronted the behavior and asked for it to stop, this one let me know that she would not be able to do so. That angered me more because then not only was she arrogant, she was not willing to respect my boundary. So I retaliated with a nasty comment and then I gave away my power, and calm, and zen and lost all of my boundaries. And I was unkind to boot.

What i just realized in this entire story is that she is not willing to respect me. She is not willing to accept my need for a boundary. She has real issues with boundaries. And she talks all of the time. Non stop and to no one in particular. I don't listen. I can see through the BS. Some people listen which really amazes me. I see the fakeness and the lack of work or follow through. The laziness, the attitude of doing what she has to do to look good and when the right people are watching. And the bragging. Pontificating about her experience and her scrappiness. I feel a sense of rage at times that someone can be so transparent and rude and people let it happen.

Then I tell myself that Karma will take over. But this week I misdirected Karma. I engaged. I put myself at her level. And I am really mad at myself that I did this. Esp cause it was at work, And I would like to say that it is over and I wont do so again, but I don't know that I can promise that. Yet I have to.

So how to handle this. I know the trigger. I have seen it a lot in the past five years. People from dysfunctional backgrounds who feel a need to prove themselves and do so by displaying an arrogance and sense of entitlement with no basis or no need because if they would just relax and be themselves, things would fall into place. I don't know what to do. I try to ignore. I try to fight back.  Then I revert to a Jr high person.

So what is the reality? I experienced some real bullying at work from a boss who had these traits. He came in and was very intimidated by my power and my strength and position. He could not handle this to the point that he manipulated situations to make me look bad in order to move me out. He was an ass. A royal ass to be exact. He hurt me deep and the pain is what triggers these reactions When I meet someone with this personality type, I go hyper vigilant. I was treated unfairly and unjustly and I am carrying the scars from this. That is the trigger.  I don't carry this as a victim anymore, but it is apart of my reality. It is the pain and the frustration. For this dickhead, it was trying to please him and knowing that no matter what, he was going to make me be gone eventually. It was knowing that this had nothing to do with my integrity or my job performance, but had everything to do with my strength and my layer of influence. People like this are toxic. They hurt others to get what they want. They have no scruples or moral fiber. They base their arrogance on a false sense of self with no grounding. They are not builders. They do not reach across the aisle. They use people to get what they want. They destroy others for their own ego. That is why I have a tough time with this personality type. I used to be able to get an attitude and role with it, but this one made a scar. Now I have to check my outlaw emotions when the trigger occurs. If this is the worst that I ever do, I know it is ok, but I don't like to go to the point of being unkind.

Usually I go low when I encounter someone like this. But after a few incidents of dealing with this, I have acquired a habit of lashing back. And it usually gets me in trouble. But this time I am going to feel no guilt or shame for fighting back. And I am not going to question my perception or decision because it is right. And I am not going to compromise myself to get along with this person. I am not going to allow my buttons to be pushed and I am going to take the high road to prove to myself that I can. And I know I will win. Because I have the grace of God behind me to make me strong and do the right thing. And I will be kind because in the end that is the right thing to do.

Ugly people can also be good people. I see the good sides of all of these folks. They have families and seem to have people in their lives who love them. Yet they come to work priding themselves on being a barracuda.  Deep down I feel sorry for them. tAnd what I know is that karma bites you in the butt when pride takes over. Because prides does come before a downfall. That is what i need to remember. And I also need to remember that the monster I may make them out to be is really a wounded person trying to survive. And I must ignite their sense of insecurity for them to want me out of the way. Or that in reality, that is it. I am in the way of their path. I don't do well with moving out of the way if the path I am on is my own. Then again, I know that the greased pig theory does prevail and that trying to fight with the pig gets me dirty and the pig runs away. So sometimes I do step aside and let them have their way. Yet it does not usually work with this personality because they have not learned to do the dance.  They cannot get to a place of compromise and collaboration. They only want to win. And sometimes, just sometimes the best course of action is to just fight back and take the consequences.

I cannot end this post because I am genuinely befuddled on how not to engage with this type of person. I guess just go low. Do my work. Stay out of the way, and not react. Usually i end with some catchy thought so here it goes. I know that I cannot control everyone and always be the alpha. I have the sense to avoid pissing people off who might make my life hell later because they want me out of the way. I have no trust for these folks. I don't like them and I wish I did not have them in my life. But I do because God is giving me a test to see if I can embrace them and work with them. Or learn to co exist at least. At least not lash out at them. I also know that I cannot lash out again or I have become the problem.

So I will focus on the positive. Try not to ruminate on it, and pray for strength to endure this my nemesis in life.  I cannot give away my peace, my kindness, or my power and I can ask God daily to heal this emotional barrier i have in my life."

For Curtis

Time brings joy and sorrows. Today we lost our friend and classmate.  The feelings we as classmates and friends experience cannot begin to reach the feelings the family is experiencing at this time and may God's peace be with them.

So many memories we have of our times growing up, going to college, reconvening for weddings and reunions. Fun in classes with Oldfield and Heinzmann. Basketball, baseball, wrestling. Parties on the week ends at Johnny Bob's.  The classmates we have lost. The fire in Charleston.  Moving all of the basketball team players cars during practice to the swimming pool parking lot. (Because everyone left their keys in their cars). Poems, stories, songs. Jay's on vacations. Mattoon, Eastern.

The graduation party at Diekroger's. Mr. Snyder. Prom, Homecomings. Cruising Vandalia. Rohlfing's bridge. Growing up. Reunions at the Country Club, the Shrine Club.  Parties at Brenda's house. Bicentennial Homecoming float. Football and wrestling champs of 1975. Mr. Wells. Ship Captain Crew on college vacations.

All of our lives went in different directions and everyone kept  in touch as they did. Those memories are for individuals.Yet in the heart of it all. For all of us who graduated in 1976 and the years before and after, there is a closeness. A feeling of safety and security and relationships that has extended for almost forty years. This root runs deep and each of us experience it in our own way.

For those reading who were a part of those years, we have all progressed in our lives. We are facing or have faced the loss of parents. We have lost classmates. We are in our middle years and thinking of the impact we are making in the world. We are living life to its fullest. We are living our bucket lists. Facebook has allowed to keep in touch and reconnect.   Yet for today we are thinking of our friend. His smile, his leadership, his character, his sense of humor, his family.

Put on some red and white, say a prayer in the way you say it the best, and hug your loved ones tight. Blessings and love to the Mabry family and to you Curtis for everything you are to us.

Yesterday I Bought a Fit Bit

Yesterday I bought a Fit Bit. I am so excited to begin this new adventure in tracking and researching how to get fit via a Fit Bit. That is the psychological approach I am using to convince myself that I can begin to resume the fitness routines of my 30's and apply them in my 50's.

Ode to the days of the YMCA in Vandalia and Lynn's step aerobic class. This class was so much fun. Good workout. Fun people. A great way to get fit and also enjoy the music and the people. After I left Vandalia it was never quite the same. History showed an aligned program with Jazzercise and me for a long period of time. Then came the days of administration and time was crazy. And so exercise ran by the wayside. And then the onset of the M word,,, yep... menopause and the stagnant, too tired, effects of not exercising and the body going bonkers.

Job changes. Moves. Meeting the needs of living in California with the highest cost of living in the US sans New York and fulfilling one's dream. Let me see. What were my other excuses? Dissertation. Long commute. Crazy politics at work. Relocating. And that is the truth. We all know the drill. The only one responsible for my success is me. And of course God. But I know that God wants me to be fit so I have to take him out of the equation.

I have a gym membership, belong to WW online, and have no excuse not to follow a plan. I live across the street from the San Francisco Bay and I have a walking and biking path in my front yard. I no longer have a commute. I have flexibility in my job, and I am looking to move to a place that is more economical. I have NO excuse left.

Ha. Recovery literature tells us that we come to our greatest growth when we can stop making excuses, looking outward for blame, and are left with ourselves. And I say this lightly. I am glad I am here. The stress is gone. I have the time and the resources to pursue growth. A new phase. Intellectually. I can retire in five years if I want. I don't plan to do so, but I have the option. I can go back to school and obtain a certificate as an addictions counselor. I can go back to school and obtain a certificate in special education administration. I can go back to school and obtain a certificate in HR administration. I can go back to school and obtain a degree in Applied Behavior Analysis.

I still have my mom. I have my health. I have a good job. I have a happy family. I have reconnected with the relationships of my past. I have no excuses. I can go to San Francisco and see every Broadway musical I wish to see. I can write my blogs everyday. I know that pride comes before a downfall so I know to count my blessings and not get too big for my britches. I have a support system. I know that to effect change one needs to step out and I know that to do so appropriately one needs to follow the Chain of Command and build a team. I know resilience and trust and failure and the pain of putting oneself in a place where one does not belong.

So, now I must do the work necessary to establish an exercise routine that is balanced. And to maintain the pieces of the pie that I have taught to kids for years: spiritual, emotional, physical, mental, financial, and social goals. And to give. It is about giving. Giving to others and reaching out to support, not control.

So my Fit Bit is my reminder, on my wrist everyday of the blessings I can encounter and the blessings I have. My reminder to slow down, be empathetic, listen, understand, and reach out to others. To give back. To be creative. To never take people, time, or blessings for granted.  To know that in a minute things can change and I need to always appreciate and show appreciation. Not out of fear but because of what has been granted to me. To learn to trust that all things come as God directs and that we always end up on our feet if we have faith. Or if you have another Deity then to apply the faith concept there. It is about faith and giving back to others. Not resting on our laurels but doing what we do to help make life better for others.

Who would of thought that the 99.00 purchase can be such a life changer? But it is.

Being Open

We see God's goodness everywhere. In our homes, our jobs, and our interactions with others. Nothing is left to chance. God has the plan for our lives. We fall out of favor with Him when we digress, but yet he pulls us back. Nothing is by chance.

We have a purpose. We have a purpose to live life in the best way possible, giving to God all that we have, living each day for him. When we can move our actions and reactions to this higher level, life becomes easy. Decisions, conflicts, and struggles are minimized because our decisions and reactions are made for the glory of God.

This does not mean an extreme and rigid belief system that does not welcome others. The Bible is the inspired word of God. The Ten Commandments are our guiding principles. We cannot bring judgement on groups or people that humans interpret as not fitting in the meaning. God is a good God. He expects us to love others, to turn the other cheek, to live in peace and harmony. Not to discriminate, judge, and hate. Forgiveness is the fundamental principle of God's love for us. He gave His son to atone for our sins so we can live guilt free. That is not carte blanche to continue sinning and hurting others with no accountability. It is the ability to know that in the darkest moments when we have our biggest failures, when life is closing in we can release the guilt and be.

I know that I awake every day feeling free in the knowledge that God has my back. That He is there for me and that I can always turn there for support. My job is to reach out to others, be kind, be a message of goodness and accountability. Education, Keeping growth in the forefront.

I have friends who follow other faiths. It is not my place to determine if their image of God is right or wrong compared to mine. That to me is me taking on God's role. Not my place. I never picked groups in high school. I found comfort in being friends with everyone. Some were more like me than others, but I tried to pick out the best in all. Same with religion.

There is God and there is the Devil, or evil, or the dark side. Yet we fear no evil for God is with us, even to the end of the earth. So there. I am not too into fighting a spiritual battle with the devil. He is strong and I hate the evil I see when people and animals are abused and treated cruelly. Or when special interest factions go awry. But I think our "spiritual warfare" comes from goodness. Living a good life, Showing kindness, joy, acceptance, patience. Reaching out to those who need support. Living in tandem with God's word and His blessings.  The other side, the conflicts, the wars, the battles, the evil, come from strife. It began with Cain and Abel and their first conflict. It keeps coming. We will never overcome the conflicts for the conflicts build in us resilience, faith, patience. If all was well, we would cease to exist. It is overcoming and continuing to remain whole and good that makes us stronger.

There is grace in faith. There is comfort in faith. There is respect in knowing that God is with us even when man is against. It is the miracle of life. Gratitude. So just for review, below are the Ten Commandments.

1. You shall have no other gods before Me.
2. You shall not make idols.
3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor your father and your mother.
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
10. You shall not covet.

When we decide to react with discrimination to race, people unlike us, or change, it is time to re read these.  We all have a banner we carry.  Clean up our own backyards first and find a place for our own sins and inequities. Then we can start to look outside. But not to judge. Instead to look for opportunity to make life more meaningful for others.  In the meantime,  we turn the other cheek, we live in harmony, and we know that sitting back and letting God  deal with the problems are best solutions. In the meantime, it is up to personal accountability. How good are we at checking our own behaviors? 

The Seven Deadly Sins? Where are we in accord with these? 

When did we last volunteer time or money for a cause?

Who did we reach out to today?

What are we grateful for and did we express it?

I laugh a bit at people who carry their banners. Not because I don't respect them, but because I see them trying so hard to prove forth their message, be it equality, the rights of social groups, or against discrimination.  I have one person I know who carries all kinds of banners for equality. She often attempts to shock me with her liberalism. Although I act innocent, I see her attempts. What she does not know is that she is talking to the choir. I don't find a need to expose my beliefs or my past experiences  for the sake of exposure. When they appear, they appear. That to me is confidence. It is being comfortable in one's own skin. 

I fight for kids. I fight for kids to be treated with respect. I fight for kids to have equal opportunity. I fight for kids to have second and third chances. I fight for kids to be loved. This is where I give my greatest push back. We cannot control poverty or human weakness, but we can chip away at the system every day but making sure our kids are taken care of. That is my mission. I don't care about the race or the sexual preference of the kids or who their parents are or were. I care that they are kids and that they deserve to have the best we can give them as they grow up. Where it goes from there is their responsibility. I want kids to experience every good thing they can. That is my agenda. 

Acceptance comes not from protests and loudness, but from love shown. MLKing did it this way. Being combative does not solve problems. Working in tandem and in love does. Evil begets evil. Trust builds in time. It takes common ground. Modeling. Respect. When I feel the need to compete and fight back, I know I am in too deep. This is the time when I need to sit back and say some prayers. Ask for God to take it and show me a better way. 

Taking Time for Some Mid Fifty Reflection: Classic Rock Style.

So many influences move us forth in our world. Work family play. The past, the present the future. As time moves on, we see people we know who pass on. We are in the age of our life where we have lost or are losing parents. Joy of seeing kids and grand kids grow. Then we ask, what have I done? what influence can I make?

I am a firm believer that we have a calling. A calling to bring life forward for others. To ensure that our job every day is to provide both joy and support to people. It is probably the teacher in me. Or the waitress in me. Nothing better than a meal well served. Or a lesson well taught. Or a school year well finished. It is the responsibility we have toward and for others. And the system. We look for the silver lining when we live it every day.  God does orchestrate. So my fellow mid fifty friends and colleagues: Let's reflect:

1. How did we fair so well after we visited Stairway to Heaven at our senior prom? What types of heaven on earth have we created for others? How have we given back?

2. Aerosmith taught us to Walk this Way. What way have you walked? Have you managed to balance the needs of self and life and family and friends? Do you still strut your stuff? Cause you should. We are those children of the 70's and our opportunities are endless. Time to dust off. Get out there and make some new memories.

3. Gloria Gaynor gave us optimal strength and foundation in I Will Survive. By now most of us have hit some road blocks: death of loved ones, job failures, problems with kids or finances, or spiritual scarcity.  Yet nevertheless, we learn by this point to roll with things. Nothing is less sacred because we can take it in stride. Those things we fear become less fearful when we experience them and manage to make it through. Never unscathed, but a part of our selves. We blend it into our current reality and we learn to appreciate a little bit more.

4. Bachman Turner Overdrive or as we love to call it (BTO) gave us a chance to "Get up every morning to the alarm clock warning and take the 8:15 into the city", cause we are  Taking Care of Business. We are at the times of our lives. We have our careers intact (well kind of cause if you are like me, I am always looking around the corner for a new experience), families are raised, we are helping our parents, appreciating our siblings, and can finally take the time to travel, read, and binge watch all of the shows we missed. We are taking care of business. Health, exercise, goal setting, and reaching out to others, and maintaining connections keep us focused. We have Facebook to close the loops from the past and to connect our futures, Twitter to express our political viewpoints, and Linked In to keep a connection to the world of growth and self motivation.

5. Mick and Keith taught us, You Can't Always Get What You Want but we know that what we want is only at our fingertips. It is to have a purpose, to love hard and fast and strong, to make a difference for someone else, and to have a sense of peace. It means having fun, maintaining a sense of self discipline, and for me, trusting God. Not resting on our laurels or past accomplishments and looking for a chance every day to learn something new, make life better for someone else, or just to maintain.

6. Best Yet. The Beatles and Jimi Hendrix  gave us the knowledge that we will always be secure cause we can Get By With a Little Help From Our Friends. Yep. For Pat, and Amy, Shayla, Becky, Debbie, Susan, and you all know who you are: Bink, Bryan, Findlander, the list goes on: Marie, YMCA Aerobic friends, FMS friends, VMS friends, VHS Friends, CA Friends, Old friends are the gold friends and new friends keep life moving.  Friends are the family we pick and where we can pick up. Years may go by yet when we pick up, it is like we never left off. The roots run deep.

7. And so the list goes on: Aretha taught us RESPECT and Sheryl Crow taught us that All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun; Robert Palmer summed up the middle aged tendency to forget, "the lights are on, but you're not home" in Addicted to Love; and Pink Floyd gave us both Time and Money.

8. Journey taught us Don't Stop Believing and Micheal Jackson challenged us to look inside at The Man In the Mirror.  I always hesitate to write reflections like this as it tends to make us sound old but by now we have learned that age is only a number and that Only the Good Die Young (thanks Billy Joel)  And I say that with hesitation because as we reach this point in life, we are seeing death and our own mortality hit closer to our lives. Yet we also see the power of youth in our kids and grand kids. It makes it all more real and makes us appreciate life more everyday. Education is our greatest tool.

9. We may now feel for three days the effects of one night of " I Want to Rock and Roll All Night and Party Everyday" but that dancing spirit keeps us going in yoga class and running marathons.

10. So throw on some good old classic rock, pull out that favorite t-shirt, binge watch some TV or catch a good movie, and curl up with the ones you love. Have some Boone's Farm while you are at it. Well maybe.  Set some new goals, define your purpose, whether you are a Fool for the City (Foghat) , or a Sharp Dressed Man (ZZTop) and know that this is the best times of our lives and Girls Just Want to Have Fun. (Cyndi Lauper)  Love hard. Write the bucket list. Fulfill the bucket list, and savor the moments.

Add some soul with Barry White or Pavlov's Dog and most importantly use the gifts God has given you. 

Most Importantly:

Be the change you wish to see happen.... Ghandi.

And when the chips are down,,, watch Mad Men. The Rohlfing siblings have declared it, best series ever!