"There is a line in dirty dancing where the dad speaks to Johnny at the end and says something like, "I know when I have been wrong and I know to admit it." Well that is me this week. I have a co worker who is getting on my last nerve. And I treated them unfairly and unkindly.
How does this fit into my Top 365? Well, there is a personality type that drives me totally crazy. I know this is a trigger and this week I let it get the best of me. The personality is a person who has a heightened attitude toward themselves with no basis for the reality. They are scrappers who usually have come from a place of having to fight to survive as children and they carry it into adulthood. They lie, cheat, and put on airs to be something they are not. They are callous and cold and conniving and usually I really learn to dislike them when I cannot get them to come around to an inclusive way of being. I have found that usually the root conflict is the fact that they are intimidated by me because they know I can see through their false sense of superiority. And usually that is the case because unfortunately their sense of self comes from a place of deep hurt. They reject me and I feel rejected and then the circle begins.
Why can't I let empathy take over and feel a sense of compassion for them? Because they are so hard core and non pliable that I cannot connect to them. They talk down and they are disrespectful and act superior. I don't have a problem with people superior to me in position or intellect or skill. I do have a problem with people who come on with this attitude with no basis for their arrogance.
I don't know what the answer is. I have fought this nemesis for years. It makes me not trust and want to lash out at their rude and abrasive attitude. That usually gets me in trouble. So this week I did just that. I lashed back. This one in particular had a colleague in tow. When I confronted the behavior and asked for it to stop, this one let me know that she would not be able to do so. That angered me more because then not only was she arrogant, she was not willing to respect my boundary. So I retaliated with a nasty comment and then I gave away my power, and calm, and zen and lost all of my boundaries. And I was unkind to boot.
What i just realized in this entire story is that she is not willing to respect me. She is not willing to accept my need for a boundary. She has real issues with boundaries. And she talks all of the time. Non stop and to no one in particular. I don't listen. I can see through the BS. Some people listen which really amazes me. I see the fakeness and the lack of work or follow through. The laziness, the attitude of doing what she has to do to look good and when the right people are watching. And the bragging. Pontificating about her experience and her scrappiness. I feel a sense of rage at times that someone can be so transparent and rude and people let it happen.
Then I tell myself that Karma will take over. But this week I misdirected Karma. I engaged. I put myself at her level. And I am really mad at myself that I did this. Esp cause it was at work, And I would like to say that it is over and I wont do so again, but I don't know that I can promise that. Yet I have to.
So how to handle this. I know the trigger. I have seen it a lot in the past five years. People from dysfunctional backgrounds who feel a need to prove themselves and do so by displaying an arrogance and sense of entitlement with no basis or no need because if they would just relax and be themselves, things would fall into place. I don't know what to do. I try to ignore. I try to fight back. Then I revert to a Jr high person.
So what is the reality? I experienced some real bullying at work from a boss who had these traits. He came in and was very intimidated by my power and my strength and position. He could not handle this to the point that he manipulated situations to make me look bad in order to move me out. He was an ass. A royal ass to be exact. He hurt me deep and the pain is what triggers these reactions When I meet someone with this personality type, I go hyper vigilant. I was treated unfairly and unjustly and I am carrying the scars from this. That is the trigger. I don't carry this as a victim anymore, but it is apart of my reality. It is the pain and the frustration. For this dickhead, it was trying to please him and knowing that no matter what, he was going to make me be gone eventually. It was knowing that this had nothing to do with my integrity or my job performance, but had everything to do with my strength and my layer of influence. People like this are toxic. They hurt others to get what they want. They have no scruples or moral fiber. They base their arrogance on a false sense of self with no grounding. They are not builders. They do not reach across the aisle. They use people to get what they want. They destroy others for their own ego. That is why I have a tough time with this personality type. I used to be able to get an attitude and role with it, but this one made a scar. Now I have to check my outlaw emotions when the trigger occurs. If this is the worst that I ever do, I know it is ok, but I don't like to go to the point of being unkind.
Usually I go low when I encounter someone like this. But after a few incidents of dealing with this, I have acquired a habit of lashing back. And it usually gets me in trouble. But this time I am going to feel no guilt or shame for fighting back. And I am not going to question my perception or decision because it is right. And I am not going to compromise myself to get along with this person. I am not going to allow my buttons to be pushed and I am going to take the high road to prove to myself that I can. And I know I will win. Because I have the grace of God behind me to make me strong and do the right thing. And I will be kind because in the end that is the right thing to do.
Ugly people can also be good people. I see the good sides of all of these folks. They have families and seem to have people in their lives who love them. Yet they come to work priding themselves on being a barracuda. Deep down I feel sorry for them. tAnd what I know is that karma bites you in the butt when pride takes over. Because prides does come before a downfall. That is what i need to remember. And I also need to remember that the monster I may make them out to be is really a wounded person trying to survive. And I must ignite their sense of insecurity for them to want me out of the way. Or that in reality, that is it. I am in the way of their path. I don't do well with moving out of the way if the path I am on is my own. Then again, I know that the greased pig theory does prevail and that trying to fight with the pig gets me dirty and the pig runs away. So sometimes I do step aside and let them have their way. Yet it does not usually work with this personality because they have not learned to do the dance. They cannot get to a place of compromise and collaboration. They only want to win. And sometimes, just sometimes the best course of action is to just fight back and take the consequences.
I cannot end this post because I am genuinely befuddled on how not to engage with this type of person. I guess just go low. Do my work. Stay out of the way, and not react. Usually i end with some catchy thought so here it goes. I know that I cannot control everyone and always be the alpha. I have the sense to avoid pissing people off who might make my life hell later because they want me out of the way. I have no trust for these folks. I don't like them and I wish I did not have them in my life. But I do because God is giving me a test to see if I can embrace them and work with them. Or learn to co exist at least. At least not lash out at them. I also know that I cannot lash out again or I have become the problem.
So I will focus on the positive. Try not to ruminate on it, and pray for strength to endure this my nemesis in life. I cannot give away my peace, my kindness, or my power and I can ask God daily to heal this emotional barrier i have in my life."
