The First Christmas Without Mom

 

Our family just experienced the first Christmas without mom... December 2023

I participated in a grief group from September-December which provided an outlet for emotional support with like minded people.  It gave me an anchor in my grief.. A safe place to grieve... 

If you are in grief.. this group provides a safe place to grieve and find support while learning new skills and building new relationships.  Google It... They are everywhere..

The First Christmas Without Mom

Reflections

1. Every day I am sad when I realize Mom will never be back.

2. For this Christmas our family intentionally created new traditions combined with set traditions to fill the void of Mom's loss and create some new realities... 

3. We had reminders of Mom on the tree...

 

4. We grew up going to church on Christmas Eve as a family. Through the years we strayed from this as other activities took precedence. This year I re instituted this tradition in honor of both of my parents. 

5. We found little spaces during meals and activities to toast mom, remember mom, and miss mom.

Christmas 2022

6. Our hearts are still broken which is now being replaced by a tenderness with each other.

7. Six months does make a difference in the grieving process....  Surviving the first Christmas was significant... 

8. Feel your feelings... I find places to have a good hard cry..and sometimes it comes in waves....  anything can trigger it... 

9. I tend to reflect back.. the past year.. my mom dealing with her illness.. her needs.. her requests... I can only say that I was intentional to be there for her but even so, I missed some of the signs... Stay alert when elderly parents are failing.

10. The foundation of dealing with the first Christmas without Mom is the faith that we were given in our growing up years.

11. Take All the Time Needed to Grieve but Keep Moving On.... Respect Your Mom and Honor Her Wishes for You in Your Life... 

12. After losing both parents, no matter how secure one's life may be, a safety net is gone... there is no one to throw it up to.... Feelings of fear of abandonment, neediness, or feeling like one has lost the anchor in life are common... Talk them through, know they are normal, and build strength... 

13. Another common reaction to the death of a parent is a feeling of wanting to make life better in honor of the parent... do it!  The death of a parent brings us closer to our own mortality... follow your dreams... #doitnow

Moving On

1. Find a replacement for the voids that are left in the person's absence.

2. Set aside a time to let the grief take over each day and don't fight the feelings.

3. Moving on in grief means that the grief does not get smaller, but one's world gets bigger.. 

4. The best way to honor the person lost is to take the best of them and what they mean to you and funnel it into a new beginning.

5. The loss of mom never goes away, it just becomes more livable.

6. Everyone grieves differently.. relationships  change... respect the process.

7. The firsts really are tough.. breathe through it and walk through it and respect your feelings.

The “year of firsts” includes all those special occasions and holidays that take place during the first year of grieving the loss of a loved one. This includes birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day and, of course, the winter holiday season

8. Find a healthy outlet for feelings.. journaling, exercising, volunteering. 

9. Grief does get easier at six months. One day you realize that the way through grief is to find a new you while helping others through the process... 

10. Continue to memorialize the person you have lost... 

 Reflection

Not meaning to sound morbid but.... 
 

Death is final.. do everything for the funeral or memorial and when you have access to the person's physical self because death  is immediate and you only have one go around..

Our funeral home took a thumbprint from Mom before she was cremated and I will always treasure having that necklace.

I am acutely aware now of people who are dying or aging at the age of my mom...She was 89 and we were preparing for her 90th birthday.. 11/21/23

Respect Age....

Regardless of the situation... have patience and take time...  

Dealing with an elderly parent is not always easy...but we will all get there one day... Be present... Listen.. Validate...

Take time when you can... leave no room for regrets... capture moments in pictures or videos... say the words necessary when everyone is healthy... 

Enjoy the moments...respond to concerns...create special memories.. There are never enough but you will treasure the memories later... 

We survived the first Christmas without mom...  And we have other firsts coming up... Valentine's Day... Mother's Day... the one year anniversary of Mom's death... 

Grief is moving on... not forgetting.. but channeling the past to a new beginning.... 💗💗

A gratitude list each day makes everything brighter... 

Final Destination

We are taking Mom back to Illinois in June of 2024 to do a final burial with Dad... that will be another day of honor and respect as we honor the First Year Without Mom... 

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If you have recently experienced the death of a parent.. a friend.. a loved one... and are grieving.. it does get better... time does heal... reach out for people to talk to...feel and grieve in your own way... keep the process moving and do not get stuck... Grief is indicative to the love we experienced... Each person's process is their own...  💔

Most of all... Practice Self-Care...

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2024 will be the first year of my life when my Mom is not in it.... We learn.. we grow... we grieve.. we use the grief for good... we appreciate.. we honor feelings without getting stuck... these are the gifts we give as we deal with the Firsts Without Mom... 

Grief is a process.... 

First Thanksgiving Without Mom November 22, 2023

 Well, today is the first Thanksgiving without mom.  So many thoughts I have... For anyone who asks, I would say,, Just Show Up... Why? Because I am hiding out and I know this is not good. 

Why? Because I did not. Our Thanksgiving traditions for the past few years have been to attend Thanksgiving with my brother and sister in laws extended families. We all get together and my mom and I were always a part of the group. I kind of always felt like I was an extension but now I realize I am a member.. 

My mom and I attended last year and she was struggling to make it through. I remember her telling my brother that she might not be able to make it next year.. And she literally did not. 

November 21 was also my mom's 90th birthday and she did not make it to that either.  My sister in law created a nice place for her to celebrate and my siblings and I did a phone toast. Normally I would have been there. 

It is tough and I made the decision not to show up for all of it.. mainly out of fear that I would lose it and not be able to get through. And I went back on meds knowing that I was not coping.. I have to drive six hours to get there and the drive down and turn around just seemed immense to me.. 

It is the grief.

But this is what I do know...

1. My mom would have wanted me to show up but also would have told me to do what I want.

2. I really needed to be there with my brother. We lost our dad when we were 13/15 and we have always weathered this together.

3. I feel like I let people down.

4. There were some feelings hurt with the family during my mom's death and I need to show up.

5. Being there would have been tough but probably a better part of the grieving process.

6. I think I hurt my sister in law's feelings and I would never do that intentionally. 

7. Grief, being far way, being single, and trying to function on intellect rather than feeling makes things sterile and tough. 

8. I will never spend Thanksgiving alone again.

9. I feel the need to make amends for not showing up. 

10. Honoring family traditions after a death is important for the pathway to healing.

• I remember so many Thanksgivings in IL and then when they all moved away I always just weathered through the day and then hit the bars with my friends. 
• My life right now is kind of screwed up with work and that dynamic is not making this holiday easier. 

• I am allowing my own self and needs to override.
• I really feel numb. When I go there, where my mom lived, with the people she loved, I know I feel closer to her.  I need to keep showing up. 
• Death is hard and pain is hard and losing your mom is hard and when you are an overthinker it feels worse because you doubt every decision.
• I have wonderful friends who reach out, family who care, and traditions that are mine and I am hiding from all of it because I am numb. I need to keep feeling. 

Last Thanksgiving. 

My mom was pretty demanding and last Thanksgiving we went to Reagan's library for her birthday. As I recall she was difficult. We got a wheel chair for her to see the Christmas trees and she hated it. She said she would never let herself get there. She was crabby. I ordered a picture of us that was taken and she threw it back at me and said, "Don't ever show this to anyone. We both look terrible". 

I got pretty upset because I had spent a few bucks on the day and she did not appreciate. We had a terrific mom/daughter fight and I told her I tried to make special days because I knew she did not always get out of the place she lived. I also told her I did not understand why she was so mean and cut so deep. It was pretty tough and we did not talk all the way home. If i had not broken the ice she would have gone home and not talked to me. 

I had given her money for her birthday and she insisted that we go to CVS to get some face lotion she wanted. I was not going there and told her I would take her the next day. On Thanksgiving morning I stopped at the store to get the rolls on the way to pick her up. I picked her up and she accused me of going to the store without her on purpose even though I explained it was on the way. She demanded to go to CVS and I finally took her. They did not have her lotion and she then spent the remainder of the day trying to get my niece to order it for her online. 

Later she said she was so crabby because she did not feel good. Her white count was going up as we found later.. She said she was sorry.. which had never happened before.. And then she seemed to go downhill after that. 

But I tell the story to illustrate the complexity of our relationship. I loved my mom. Always tried to please her. Her last six years and being in that home were tough and I had to move far away for work. It made it tough because I only saw her when I could do down. And she was demanding. I tried to over compensate by buying things. 

But sometimes she was relentless in her demands and we did not always see eye to eye. Her public self and her private self with me and sometimes my brother were totally in opposite. I think I spent a lot of my life trying to get her to appreciate me. But now she is gone. 

When she was dying my sister was frustrated with my sister in laws family being there. I intervened, always the peacemaker, and shared with my brother that when we had mom's final moments we would like it just to be us. A Hallmark moment. I am sure he told them and I now feel eternally remorseful because that was not fair. And I reacted because of my sister, who although I love her, takes no accountability for family needs, and then made people feel uncomfortable.  So showing up is also showing appreciation. 

Overthinker??? OH YES! 

I. have the urn here and I live in my own world of "I hate my job and need to get out". I have my own problems to deal with and I miss my mom everyday. Christmas will be tough... but I will show up. I will make amends to all who may have been hurt by my actions and I will show up. 

Honoring the Grief

1. Show up and honor the memories.

2. Remember the good times and reach out to those you love.

3. Find a way to memorialize. 

4. When you lose your mom you see your own mortality. The value of life becomes clearer.

5. Appreciate your friends, family, and those you love.

6. Hit the grief head on.. don't hide... feel the feelings... experience the places... 

7. Write, cry, join a grief group, dance, sing, reach out. 

8. Don't go down the rabbit hole of guilt or fear or depression.

9.  Channel the strength of your mom.

10. Honor the value of the holiday. 

Support Group 

I joined Grief Share, a 13 wk online grief group... It has helped immensely. I have people that are also experiencing grief and we are learning and sharing together. I am hoping to make some lifelong friends from this. 

Be An Adult

Losing mom can reduce you to being a child again. Fear, lack of confidence, indecision, vulnerability. Be real, show up, don't be afraid.. trust your God. 

Be good to yourself and don't take any mistreatment because you are afraid... But that is a story for another day! 

It has been five months since my mom passed away... I still have a lot of questions about eternal life and what happens when one dies... the grief has become more controlled but comes in waves..

I remember the happy moments, the terse moments, the all encompassing moments, and the mercurial relationship I had with my mom... but at the end of her life she was so vulnerable and I was able to see her humanness and grieve for it with her.. 

I think she liked me.. She did not adore me like she did my siblings.. I was her feed in many ways and when I did not want to take accountability for my lack of intimacy with others,  I could blame it on our relationship.  I was always there and she used me in many ways.  But I know she loved me. I could never get the full approval because she was a fighter and always had to win.. I know that.. and I have to work on not re enacting those relationshps with others.. but no matter what, I loved her and she was my mom. 

I was so sad for her because she was so sick at the end and it happened so fast and she did not want to die.. and it broke my heart for her.. that is the real love... 

So Happy Thanksgiving... If you still have your mom you are blessed... and if you have lost your mom my heart goes to you...