Memories of Mom June 30, 2023

 Our Mom passed away last week. It was fast... She was quite a miraculous lady.. In the past six years she fought a lot including colon cancer and COVID twice. She was strong and cognizant to the end. She was not ready to go. But God had other plans in mind... and now we grieve... this is the hardest thing I have had to go through...I hated seeing her so sick at the end but it made it easier to let her go. 

She was vibrant and active and then boom... she got sick and within a week was gone.. I am glad for her that she did not get sick and linger but I know she was not ready to go. 

I want to celebrate her life... Lois Mae Lockart Rohlfing November 21, 1933-June 14, 2023. She would have been 90 this year. We were planning her 90th birthday party.. 

 

I know she was not ready to die. She was full of life... we had had a great week end a week before she passed and she had recently spent time with family members on Mother's Day and celebrating my niece's birthday and graduation... 

High Tea at the Langham Hotel.. May 26, 2023 

 Families fall into old patterns when we are together.  and we love each other and learn not to judge. We find strength in each other.. 

 One of the first reactions we have when we lose someone is fear of losing others we love.....

My mom was larger than life to me.  My biggest fan, "My daughter is a doctor".. (of education no less) to sometimes my greatest nemesis. In the past six years when she went in a home, we drove around, I was her advocate, her confidante, and always made attempts to have great experiences with her every time we met. We had our moments through the years.. but in the end it all came together as love.. I am going to miss her so much... 

I think we knew the last few months.. she cried on her deathbed which still breaks my heart. She was not ready to leave us.. she was strong.. she was a fighter.. her biggest joy was her kids and her grandkids.. She was totally cognizant until she contracted pneumonia and then sepsis... not fair!  

I am really angry right now. Angry at her healthcare facility for not catching the pneumonia sooner.. for ignoring her and my pleas for help when she could not eat or sleep..

I am angry that she had not seen her doctor in three weeks and I am angry that they took her life so lightly. They looked at her numbers. Knowing me I will eventually have to vent this anger .. 

She lived there six years and they knew her.. She saw her dr three days a week. He was on leave and when she asked for help from the dr. on call they ignored her.. All logistics that make me feel helpless because I could not try harder to get them to listen.. and because I did not know how ill she was..and could not get there sooner..  but it makes my stomach hurt with pain.. 

I know the people who cared for her.. the chef, the laundress, and the activities director all miss her.. I will let them know how much we appreciate them.. 

She knew when she got to the hospital.. told one of the nurses, "I am going to die aren't I?". Breaks my heart.. I would never want her to feel pain or fear.. I have to not overthink it because it rips me apart.. I got there as fast as I could.. but wish I could have gotten there sooner.. 

She was a housewife of the 60's... losing my dad when she was 39 and raising my sister who was five at the time alone.. She left home when she was 18 and lived in an apartment.. she got a job.. she bought my grandparents their first tv.. she was progressive for that time. She met my Dad, loved my Dad, and then we lost my Dad.. I was 15, my brother 13, and my sister 5 and she was 39

mourn·ing

noun

1. the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died, typically involving following certain conventions such as wearing black clothes.

I have been reading about grief.. the difference between grief and mourning.. grief is a feeling,, mourning a process... That process is beginning for me... I remember this feeling from 49 years ago when my Dad died.. I remember this feeling from when I lost a job and lost faith in the system.. but this one is big.

I have been fearing this event for so long.. knowing it was coming... trying to make the best of every moment with my mom.. And now she is gone.. I am left with the feelings.. But we did have fun... And she loved me and I loved her and that is what I have left.. The holidays are going to hit hard! 

 I spent her last night with her.. had time to say everything I wanted to say..I have no regrets.. she knew she was loved by all of us.. 

Now I just see how frail she was at the end.. how vulnerable.. how sad because she did not want to let go.. we all had our moments with her but I feel so bad for her because she was not ready.. I wish I could have fixed that for her.. I would.. I would do whatever I could to keep her living because she loved life.. her body just gave out.. It makes me so sad.. 

I was the fixer for her. I always tried to fix things..  she called me when things were not right.. and I could not fix this.. powerless to take it away..

When Dad died I made a vow to live my life to exemplify his values.. now I will live my life after losing my Mom to exemplifying her strength.. her ability to get what she needed at any cost.. her love of jewelry and clothes and her family... movies and books and staying healthy and fit... 

When she went into the hospital, she was frustrated because of her condition and in true mom style, she let the doctors and nurses know it. 

When I got to the hospital the nursing staff shared that she told them, "My daughter is on her way and she works for the state. She is going to report you if you don't do what I want"..  We laughed because I have no power,, I am an educator. But this was my mom.. she always used this one when she was not getting anywhere with people. 

Today's Memory

Our family is simple.. movies.. books.. family... 

My mom moved to California when she was 55 and started over.. she worked for the funeral home.. she volunteered for the police department.. she loved politics..she volunteered for the theatre.. she made friends where she was planted.. she worked at schools and pre schools and loved little kids.. she loved her family and extended family... loved old movies and watched them with a vengeance.. she was kept track of her  her weight every day.. she wrote everything down.. up until the last day before she entered the hospital..I am going to miss her so much...

But I can write about her and add her pictures to a memorial and talk to her and keep my memories alive.. And she might be pissed at me for doing so because she was a private person and hated gossip.. 

And only say that we will one day meet again...  I want more time with her...one more day... one more hour... one more time to hold her hand and tell her I love her... my heart is breaking... As the days pass it gets a bit easier and I have dreaded her death for a few years. But the sense of loss and of wanting more time is so real... 

Today I got in the car after work and normally I would call her on my way home.. so many little things that are changing.. 

Realization

I am finding that suddenly I don't have patience for people who pretend to care but don't really have my best interest at heart... People emerge and show their true selves during times of crisis.. I don't believe in burning bridges but I do believe in self care.. and I know that grief challenges our coping mechanisms.. "stay in a routine", "no major moves or decisions", "breathe". 

I will write blogs periodically... post pictures on Facebook...gain comfort from the people who have known our family for years... Gain strength from my siblings.. Write to survive.. 

I love ya mom.. I miss you..right now I am idealizing you.. You gave me life and for that I am eternally grateful.. but you were also my best friend, my anchor, and my phone buddy.. I don't believe my life will ever be the same...

We are cared for by our parents and then as they get older we care for them... it is the circle of life...