Well, it has been eight weeks... eight long weeks... two months... and it seems like an eternity since my mom passed. Time heals they say and it does. But time also makes you start to forget.. to start to forget and adjust.
Forgetting and Adjusting
I will never forget. I will never forget my mom. My mom that I talked to on the phone most days. My mom that I had fun with for the past 18 years. We had a special time the past 18 years. My mom that I miss so much.. the phone calls.. the void.. the person that was always there no matter what..
And the person that I loved the most. I miss giving her that love... I miss being able to plan to visit.. I miss ordering from Amazon or her calling and telling me all the crazy stuff that happens at her place..
I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I was not closer in distance the past few months so I could have been with her when she got sick and moved her faster.
I feel eternal guilt that I was not with her when she took her last breath. That I was not there with her. That I let personal feelings and craziness get in the way of stopping by the hospital one last time..
The drs and nurses have shared that she was not cognizant of being alone by that point. That she was in a twilight, but deep inside I know she knew that she was alone. I hope she was not scared. And did not feel abandoned..
I cannot go back and change that.. ever.. it is final.. I can try to make up for it with beautiful services and talking to her urn in my house and writing about it but the fact remains that I was not with her... And I promised her that I would be with her.
I don't know that there is a heaven and I dont know if I really ever will see her again and that scares me. What scares me is the finality of death.. and that lately things have gone really bad at work and I dont care anymore.
I am on the edge of falling apart and I don't know what to do. I am not coping really well right now.
But I digress..
Eight Weeks After Losing My Mom
1. I resent people who still have their mom.
2. I am amazed at how my relationships with some people have changed. How people I thought were there for me were totally fake and how people I never expected have stepped up.
3. I don't care about much these days. The tears are still here. Not as often.. but I know the grief is real.
4. I don't have time for petty shit. Things piss me off and I don't have the patience to cope.
5. I feel dependent on my siblings. They have significant others and I do not so I feel like a burden to them.
6. I feel all alone because my mom was my anchor. And now my anchor is gone.
7. I just miss her. All of the crazy and the fact that I could call her up and have some fun laughs for a minute. I just miss her. She was my best friend and I miss her.
8. Sometimes reality is not real. Like I cannot believe that she actually died. I am removed from where she lived. Where she died. Where we had the funeral.
9. I feel lost. I feel like I dont have a purpose anymore.
10. I feel sad that I could not have helped her live longer. She was not ready to die. And she was so sick at the end and it breaks my heart to have to have seen her that way. I am so sad that she died and I am so sad that I was not with her and I am so sad that she was so sick and I don't think I will ever get over it.
11. Sometimes it hurts so deep I cannot stand the pain. The lack of control.
12. My heart is broken. I don't know if this is normal grieving or if I need to talk to someone but I am not coping well.
13. I only wish we could go back in time and have more time.
14. Today the pain is as bad as it was during the first weeks.
15. I overreacted at work and I need a break from there.
16. I feel so alone and need someone in my life to fill the void.
17. I pushed away my friends because I could not cope with a big trip to Vegas right now.
18. I need to slow down and take some time for me.
19. I feel all alone.
20. Today I felt suicidal. But not really. I just need a break.
Ways to Remember Mom
1. Turner Classic Movies bring me close to her.
I am so sad.. more sad that when my dad died. So sad and I feel alone and I feel like no one cares.. I know they do but I have no person and it makes it harder.
