Mom died June 14, 2023.. it has been eight months almost...Today is not a bad day... it is a tender day... I have tender memories of my mom... I feel tender today.. sad.. yet vulnerable.. and today is a day for me to reflect and remember... the tears are flowing... the pain is real... and I have to let the grief have its moment...
I have always loved God and been a spiritual person... A bit renegade at times.... More so as the years pass... Death is God's... He facilitates the process... He also makes spaces for us to survive...
Some Reflections Eight Months After Mom Died
1. Her memory is in the clouds for me. Because I live so far from where she lived.. I notice her loss more when I am there.. then the pain is real. 💔💔💔💔
2. I miss her so much.. the phone calls.. the asking for things on Amazon... our fun little outings that we had when I would come visit. The complex nature of competition between us... Like she did not want to love too much...
3. I still feel so bad for her when she got so sick so fast. Her illness made it easier to accept her death but I was so sad because she was not ready to go.
4. Fessing Up! I have one big regret.... she had surgery a year ago and it was pretty routine. I did not go down there to be with her... I wish I had gone there to be with her... Best laid plans..
5. The grief tears and pain are fewer these days but when I take the time to stop and reflect.. it hits hard.. I miss her so much and it is such a hard loss.. so desperate.. the pain is so deep in my gut when I let it come up.. why so graphic.. so people going through this know how normal it is to feel this way.
Some Reading...
The Lessons
1. Losing mom is the deepest pain one can feel. Losing Dad at 15 was hard but a distant memory. Being pushed out of a job politically ten years ago was demoralizing but survivable. Losing mom at 65 is devastating..
2. Take the time.. elderly people have their own dynamic.. I attempted patience, loving, understanding, and carved out time to do special things. I also at times lost my temper, was impatient, and took my mom for granted. We are human and cannot always see past our current reality. Slow down and take time...
3. My mom was high maintenance but she was also good to people. She was demanding and and I never felt that I could do enough. But at the end she was so vulnerable. She was my best friend. Crazy in and crazy out at times we had a mercurial relationship at best.. but it was the reality we lived.
4. Women of the 1960's had their own dynamics. My mom was a scraper, she loved politics, loved to argue, and she got cut short at the age of 38 with three kids to raise... . There has to be a message in this. She was strong.. a fighter..she was nothing fancy..no big political figure.. but she was strong and through the years I learned to appreciate and learn from this strength...
5. I wish she had been given more. She moved to CA at the age of 55 and started over and finances were always a struggle..but she made it...I wish she had been able to experience more.. Her life was the reality she created for herself but I think she would have enjoyed more..
6. Aging Years.. Take time with people as they age... be patient. Listen... Never allow someone you love to feel they are not relevant.. it is an easy gift to give to another...
7. Day by Day with Distance. . I called her most days... I wish I had lived closer but we did well with distance. They say the longevity of a mother increases with a daughter being close. In the end.. it is not about we daughters it is about our relationship with our mothers.. it is about the dignity of life... loving someone every day... being there... being the oldest.. looking with gratitude at the impact our mothers had... seeing the strengths and weaknesses with reality.. but revering the time.. #lifehappens #Gooddaughter. #Codependent
8. We lose an anchor..I lost my anchor when my mom died. My unconditional person who always picked up the phone and made time for me. I don't have that any more. I miss our chats, our crazy arguments.. our sparring over politics.. and those times when I was insecure and she would tell me to get out there and do it.
9. It never goes away..the pain of losing mom does not go away.. it gets buried with the day by day stuff.. and at times I feel weird because I miss her but I don't feel it in my gut... then something comes up and it is a flood of emotion.
10. You will survive-Resignation to the fact and acceptance comes with time. But the yearning for mom does not go away.. the pain is in there and you have to just let it out.. whatever way is needed...
11. Losing mom makes me stronger- I have always been a people pleaser by nature.. strong but also one who likes to see that everyone is satisfied.. I have a lot of experience in my job and wisdom and at times I have had to "play dumb" to survive the politics...Now I don't care.. Losing my mom has made me stronger in standing up for myself.. Always the professional, I am more apt now to give a big FU when I have to when things get tough.. it may be the anger or the pain inside or maybe just the reality of living life in the present.. but I have become stronger.
12. Death of Both Parents- Brings you closer to your own mortality.. Live life everyday and do all of the things you want to do.. I wish my mom had had more.
Grief is a Thing
My mom was complicated and at times demanding. She was left at the age of 38 to raise her kids with no pension and she did her best. She instilled in us the love of books and movies and she loved to bake and cook. She loved to shop and she was so proud of her kids.. all of us.. She had one love of her life after my dad died.. she loved her grandkids.. She was a great "Aunt Lolo" to her nieces and nephews and people loved her. She gave us life and she raised us and she did her best. Writing her eulogy was one of the great honors of my life..
My last day with her when she was not sick was Memorial Day week end 2023. We had a great time in LA and the last day went to Denny's for dinner.. which we did often.. I remember her asking if I wanted to go and I said, "Well yes. We have to eat".. we sat in the back of the restaurant and she was kind of crabby that day but we had a nice visit.. I took her home and I as always watched her walk into her place. I never realized at that moment that that would be the last outing we would have or that that was the last time I would drop her off and watch her walk into her place. #Gratitude.
Take time...
When she got sick it was so fast and I was with her by phone until she succumbed to the sepsis and went into septic shock... I wish I had been able to have more conversations with her but we had already had them all.
They say it is a year of firsts.. soon the first Valentine's Day.. I always sent her flowers and/or See's Candy... I miss her a lot... I know my reactions are often influenced by the grief and I don't even know it.
Looking Back
I think she knew... I think she sensed she was failing... she bugged me like crazy for months before to make sure her funeral contract was intact... she encouraged me to go with my friends.. (which was unusual because she liked to be first).. she got rid of a lot of "stuff"... I think she knew... I wish she had talked more about it. so I could have consoled her more.. We did but not always.. I just hope she never felt we let her down... 👼
Keep Checking In.. Avoid Intellectualizing... Feel
I did a grief group for four months.. it was a good anchor in the early stages and I am glad I did it... I have people I can talk to and I like early morning hours where I can reflect... I think at times I am past it and then the feelings all come out again... I miss my mom... I miss her love.. her unconditional support.. and I miss our conversations.. i miss the good and the sometimes negative.. it is complicated.. but it is real... uncharted territory...
It is amazing... I have been able to move from "losing your mom" to verbalizing.."my mom died"... That is stepping outside of the pain and being able to look from afar. I think that is grief processing...
