Six Weeks After You Lose Your Mom

Last Wednesday was six weeks since we lost our Mom. Time heals but the pain is in there. 

Some Thoughts in No Random Order

1.  I feel alone. My siblings have their spouses and as a single woman with no children of my own, I am feeling very lonely and lost. My mom was my best friend.

2. My world was changing before this happened and now it is become more so. 

3. The funeral and the reception were beautiful and warranted the best for my mom. I am proud we could give her such a beautiful service. 

4. After the funeral is over, the things are cleaned out, the thanks yous are written, and the notifications are made to insurance and etc, you are left with the emptiness of the loss.  That is when the grieving begins.

5. I did everything in the past few years to show love and appreciation for my mom. We still banged heads and I got impatient with her at times but I loved her and I was intentional in taking time. I have no regrets except that I wished I lived closer so I could have made her last days a bit easier. 

6. The death of a parent brings you closer to your siblings. I love my brother and sister more now than ever. 

7. All of the family dynamics take over when you lose a family member. I drank a lot of vodka during the week of the funeral and the planning and then a certain peace took over.

8. Sad. Sad is where I am. Sad that she is gone. Sad that I cannot hug her again. Sad that we did not have more time.

9. The fact that she was so sick at the end makes this easier to let go. She was so sick and I feel so bad for her.

10. You have to fight for the elderly because people in facilities take them for granted. My mom lived in her place for 5.5 years and at the end they ignored her symptoms. It probably would not have changed the outcome but may have made her last days a bit easier. I met with them, requested records, and eventually filed a complaint with the state to make sure everything was investigated. To help another family not go through this.

11. People in your life (one in mine in particular) will try to minimize the beauty of things through being critical.  In particular this one criticized my sister for changing into jeans after the funeral.. it brought out the fight in me. But best to not react . I am having a hard time because I have always been close to this person but I am slowly letting go. 

12. Losing my mom has taken me back to memories of childhood, the loss of my dad at 15 and the tender moments we had. 

13. Church and faith has always been important but now more than ever. 

14. Hug them tight.. all of them.. take advantage of every minute and opportunity. 

Mom: Today I Do What I Do For You

 Today is the day before your memorial. I am feeling so much sadness.. being here makes it more real...

Today I do what I do for you and I pray for God's grace to carry through.. 

The First Month After You Lose Your Mom July 15, 2023

 Well it has been a month since we lost mom. I always say we because I am a family person and what I do I do for them. Death of someone close brings out so many feelings and memories and I feel it good to memorialize them. Probably my way of dealing as I am an action person.

So How Can I Reflect on the Past Month?

1. June 2-June 14
Mom began to get sick on the 2nd. She could not eat or sleep. She asked for help at the nursing home and they ignored her. (that is a subject for another story). She emailed me and I called and asked them to test her for a UTI. Her dr was on leave and they were neglecting her care.. 

UTIs in elderly are very common and mimic dementia... 

We finally convinced them to test her. I am going to report the skilled care facility as soon as I get everything out of there that I need from her stuff... and her medical records. 
On June 4 she passed out in the restroom.. They called.. did you contact her dr? Yes.. he said to send her to to the hospital if it happened again...

She became increasingly weaker and was not eating... I called (I live six hours away) and talked to the nurse... "What are you going to do? Are you just going to let her lay there and not eat?"

The Answer: "Well Ms Lois has the cancer and this is all we can do".

June 6- She was so weak today that she could barely talk.. could not eat. I called and begged them to help her at least get a protein drink down... 😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠 If I had it to do over I would have called 911 right then myself...  My brother was on call to go there the next day to intervene.. 

June 7- They finally transported her to the hospital... My brother was there with her all day to support... 

Then one day in the emergency room and then she was put in ICU.... this was the beginning of the end. The nurses were great.. I called two or three times a day... her medical team was good.. and they were treating her for pneumonia and sepsis...

 
On Thursday my brother understood they were sending her back to the facility... I talked with the nurse... " No honey... your mom will not be going back. Your mom is very ill".... And how did they not catch this at the facility????

I asked to talk to her doctor and one called me to update.. then again on Friday and my family that was close were visiting and talking to the drs also. That dr. was great.. she told me she would call me when my Mom needed me to come... 

And they did.. I drove all night on Saturday to get to her.. then my sister came.. then palliative care meeting and then our decision to go to comfort care... 

That week was surreal... then the crazy nurse who told us "today is not her day".. and I believed her.. this was five hours before she died. .. we left.. we went to clean out her room and have dinner... and she died alone.. I will not continue to beat myself to death for this but I will not be able to forgive myself for not being with her...

Dynamics sometimes cloud  judgement and I allowed myself to go there... no ones fault but my own... I missed her last breath... I always promised her I would never leave her or forsake her.. Stay focused... 

And the story went from there.. she passed,,, we almost got arrested at the hospital because security would not let us get to her.. and then we planned... the memorial is next week... 

 Lessons in the First Month After You Lose Your Mom

1. Family dynamics emerge in times of crisis... be kind and patient.

2. Everyone deals with their pain in a different way.. maintain respect.

3. Friends and loved ones will emerge from out of nowhere to support... be grateful and let them. 

4. Ugly people will use the opportunity to gossip, exploit, criticize, and in general be a pain in the a... Ignore them and focus on the positive

5. The memorial is the last opportunity to show love and respect and honor to your mom... make it a good one. Be intentional... 

6. Take it all home for now.. clothes, belongings, a lock of hair, memorial fingerprint... once those things are gone the tangible memories are gone.. hold onto them as long as you need to. Don't make decisions too fast.

7. Reach out for support systems.. siblings are going through this too.. lean together but know that sometimes an objective ear is good.  God is a big help as are support groups and journaling.. 

8. Regrets are normal.. as is going back and looking at all of the what ifs....especially as an overthinker... find an outlet.. regrets, anger, panic, fear, feeling abandoned, impatience. Feel them all...process them over and over until you find peace..  

Grieving is a Process.. 

9. 

• WEEK ONE  was surreal and chaotic.. 

• WEEK TWO was raw pain and panic.

• WEEK THREE was planning to make her service the best ever and funneling feelings of anxiety into the process. WEEK THREE was reaching out to the dr who last saw her alive to talk about her final hours and to the nurse who told us, "today is not her day" and asking that nurse never to do that to another family.  WEEK THREE was confronting feelings of guilt and anger and looking for ways to honor her with excellence. WEEK THREE was finding and sharing many photos... 

 

• WEEK FOUR- Remembering her with waves of tears every morning, planning with my sister for a common "mom" tattoo to memorialize and reaching out to family members far away.  WEEK FOUR was a chance to separate a bit from the pain. 

• WEEK FIVE brings a return to normal thinking with waves of feelings coming and a need to focus on gratitude. I still surf the internet every night and read about how to cope with grief, not being present when a parent dies, and what the dying process is like at the end. Looking for a way to relieve the guilt of not being there. WEEK FIVE is slowly letting go and looking ahead. 

10. Accept every feeling, every crazy thought, and every action as real and do whatever is necessary to find closure. Ask questions, call out indiscretions, demand answers when needed, and let people provide comfort.  Don't be afraid to feel.. find an outlet.. 

11. Don't leave their side in the dying process and follow your heart.. don't listen to the medical professionals who tell you, "today is not her day" because they don't know that. 

As we move into WEEK SIX and my mom's memorial, I am letting her go. Being far away from her anyway for the past seven years much of our relationship was based on the phone most days and frequent, "mom trips" where I came to visit and we had a whirlwind three to four days of activity. 

                                           Pasadena.. High Tea...May 26, 2023... Two Weeks Before.. 

I still reach for the phone to call most days on my way home and 6:00pm is a tender time of day for me because this is when I usually would call her.  It's the little things. 
Watching moms and daughters in movies or on tv or talking to my uncle who is her only sibling left can bring me to my knees.. 

Or thinking too deep.. 

She was my mom.. our relationship was always multi faceted and she was often high maintenance and not always nice to me. But God goes full circle on this stuff and I will be forever thankful that we made that circle.  I know she knew I loved her and I know she loved me and appreciated me and the good memories of the last 18 years far outweigh any bad ones..  I understand her better now than ever before... Her strength.. being left as a single mom of three at the age of 39.. her perseverance.. not a super hero but a woman who raised a family of three great kids and was loved by many.. Mom Eulogy

I made.a decision when I had to move farther away that I would take every opportunity to spend time with her, to make her life as good as possible, to always be there for her no matter what.. and I did..sometimes it was tough..... but I have no regrets.. but now just a strong sense of longing for my mom who in the past 15 years has become my best friend. 

I will be delivering the eulogy in her funeral next week and I am not sure I can make it through it.  I will for sure have to partake of some substances before I begin.. But it is my last way to honor her for who she was to us.. And I will make it.