Leadership Is Not

Leadership is a skill and an art. It is a process of setting a vision and providing a passion for the work to occur.  It is a process of moral servitude and deliberate decision-making grounded in honesty, transparency, collaboration, and respect. Leadership comes with flow, communication, and strategy grounded in best needs for people. 



Leadership is Not
1. Using a team environment as a bully pulpit to control people.
2. Playing one team member against the other.
3. Throwing fits in public, making threats in a rage, and generally being out of control.
4. Abusing employees verbally, emotionally, or intellectually.
5. Discriminating due to age, race, gender preference, or disability.
6. Constantly creating a chaotic environment in the name of change.
7. Lying, cheating, stacking
8. Attempting to control through taking tasks away from others, excluding employees, canceling or not showing up for meetings, and bullying and harassing others.

Leadership Is
1. Meeting people at their level and training them up.
2. Treating people individually and with worth.
3. Being direct in expectations.
4. Using discernment when making decisions.
5. Balancing good and plenty with tried and true.
6. Confronting negative behaviors privately and with dignity.
7. Allowing creativity to guide people forth.
8. Tapping into talents and respecting people.
9. Setting a vision grounded in the organizational vision.
10. Consistently remaining humble and low key.

There is a responsibility when a leader to be upfront and direct with people. This means that when the negative or coaching messages need to come the message is given with clarity and directness. It means that one does not use a bully pulpit to control or cajole to get one's way. It also means going out on a limb for people and holding them up, not breaking them down.

No one is perfect and everyone makes decisions that are not always in their best interest. That said, the message does not lie in the words or even the actions, but the intent. If the intent is negative and aimed to harm another, the message is not clear.

If one has to constantly remind people that they are a change agent or a leader of change or how effective he or she is, the message is clear,
"YOU ARE NOT AS GOOD AS YOU THINK YOU ARE."

If one has to break down and stomp on another or others without letting process take hold,  karma has a weird way of stepping in and taking over and it is usually not pretty.

If one has to pay outsiders to wave palm leaves or flatter one's ego,  the end result will be an organization going back to where it was before the consultant or change team came in.  Consutlants are business people who tell people what they want to hear to get the funds.

True organizational change comes with ownership and authenticity and people with stick with it ness. Consultants are not the effecters of change, they provide a tool.  Allowing consultants to become embedded in the culture of an organization is scary at best.

One can only watch the current POTUS and see the effects of manipulation, back stabbing, threats and quid pro quo, and employing bullying tactics to leadership. The tenure is not long and the pain caused to others is intense.

Putting naive or ineffective people in the seat of decision-making before they have matured is not only impulsive, but usually destructive.

Step One Revisted

Believed that a power greater than self could restore one to sanity.

Step One tells us that we can surrender. It is ok to let go and let God. That the maneuvering and trifiling and strife will not create consistent change. That we first define God as we know Him or Her to be. We then find our place in the reality and surrender our will. This means letting go and eliminating anxiety and pushing and overthinking and manuevering and instead living in peace.

This means giving God our needs and most of all giving ourselves to His plan for our lives. We turn to the spiritual side to develop a soul and to learn to trust and let it go. Then we learn to be, not do.

I was always stymied at how this step fed into leadership as a spiritual practice. I have heard it said that those who have workaholic tendencies do best to cater to OA as a way to break down workaholic tendencies. That we give to God our need to control and to gain power and let him be the one who brings us to a place of sanity.

Step One

Sometimes you just have to go back to Step One. Powerless and knowing that you are powerless over circumstances. That God will have the serenity and grace to make things over.

First Step Prayer

Higher Power i admit that i am powerless over food. My life is unmanageable. Help me understand powerless. Remove all denial. Open my eyes to my areas of denial and help me overcome.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change what I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

It's needing to find like minded people who understand the devastation.
It is needing to identify relapse, finding a good place, getting geared and seeing a future that is past tomorrow.

Nothing is permanent. All is temporary. PTSD, trust, energy, kindness,


Strength to lose weight
Filling the spiritual void.
Finding a way to leave the house and get connected.
Admitting I am misplaced and getting out of it.
Missed opportunities for plays and drama and watching them.

365 Days More

Today is my birthday. My goal for the next 365 days, make life better for others.

How do to so?

1. Say thank you more often.
2. Welcome criticism or direction.
3. Keep things light.
4. Take advantage of time with family.
5. Live below means.
6. Travel
7. Volunteer
8. Reach out to foster youth who need support.
9. Thank God for blessings.
10. Enjoy the life I am given.

Living Cleaner

Living cleaner means decluttering ones life. So how does one live cleaner?

1. Less news shows and more classic books.
2. Less time online and more time in a book.
3. Less time checking phone and more time journaling.
4. Less time surfing the web and more time writing.
5. Less time watching crime shows and more time watching PBS.
6. Less time complaining and more time showing gratitude.
7. Taking time to stop and reflect.
8. Doing a little every day to keep things tidy.
9. More authentic food and less carry out.
10. Finding a zen spot for errand running.
11. Time at the gym to decompress.
12. Credit cards paid off.
13. Give, receive, and give.
14. Spiritual reflection and prayer.
15. Staying within the boundaries at work
16. Lots of green plants to clean the air.
17. Minimal sugar and sweetners
18. Exalting rather than gossiping
____________________________________________

What are the benefits of decluttering?
1. Less stress.
2. Better sleep
3. Greater connection
4. Peace
5. Happiness and joy
6. Longer life
7. Greater sense of self.
8. Value added to others.
9. Trust and faith
10. Quiet

Stay Out of the Line of Fire

The line of fire comes when unhappiness hits a person and they lash out. The line of fire comes with a fierce ray of lightening. It can come in the form of abusive words, exclusive acts, or lies and deceit. The said thing about the line of fire is the fact that it has no logic behind it other than unhappiness and a desire to hurt another to ease one's pain.

When You are In the Line of Fire
When you are in the line of fire you will find yourself feeling quite like a rag doll. Pulled and pushed and yanked from place to place, being in the line of fire means that for the moment, one no longer has any control of one's fate or behavior. Instead, one is at the beck and call of the abuser. One must march when told to march and stop when told to stop. One must take the brunt of all of the pent up anger and aggression of the unhappy perpetrator. One is not a victim, yet plays a role in keeping the perp happy. If the perp can push around someone, he or she avoids personal pain. Becomes the aggressor. Gains power.

What Does the Line of Fire Entail?
1. Manipulation
2. Anger
3. Unfair threats
4. Exclusion
5. Chaos
6. Mixed messages
7. Control
8. Giddiness
9. Mobbing
10. Lies

How Does One Function While in the Line of Fire?
1. Focus on the positive.
2. A foundation solid and values oriented.
3. Hanging with happy people
4. Ignoring as long as possible
5. Confronting publicly
6. Staying Strong
7. Creating cartoon characters of the perp
8. Keeping one's values and integrity in place
9. Not giving in to the goading.
10. Finding a silver lining.

The humane way to deal with being in the line of fire is to have empathy for the pain of the perp. This though can only go so far. The level of tolerance depends on one's pain tolerance. When the chips are down and the pressure becomes intense, one needs an out. An escape. A place to run to to feel safe. This can be a physical place or a mental place. It is at this point that one must accept one's humanness. And begin self nurturing. Detachment. Righteous indignation. Mind games. It is at this point that one can say, "Enough is enough". I have had my fill of your junk and I am not going to play anymore. You can try to turn the tables on me and I will persevere because i am strong and I have no horse in this race. You have put me in your line of fire due to your own insecurity and toxic needs. I am not to blame and I will now exit. I may physically be present, but I have mentally checked out. And I am not playing anymore.

Lines of fire happen at all levels and places. The manipulator, the bully, the person looking to play with a new toy, the uninhibited. Yet, we know, pride comes before a downfall and we create the karma we keep. Throwing other people under the bus can only last for a while. Then the truth comes back to kick one's behind.  In the meantime, we hear of people who are the target of abusers for years who have no way to escape yet they survive.

Being in the line of fire, however painful and dysfunctional, does make one stronger. It is finding the inner strength to move forward within the situation that builds the ability to keep persevering.

Dealing with Manipulators

Manipulators can be confusing. Worse yet, manipulators can be downright frustrating when you are the type of person who tries to live authentically. Dealing with a manipulator can liken to one feeling like a puppet. Worse yet, having a sense of loyalty to a manipulator can be the kiss of death. How do manipulators work?



1. They play games with people to get what they want which is often attention or control.
2. They lie, cheat, and back stab in order to keep control.
3. They attempt to keep control and continue their games by dropping small morsels or rewards.
4. They are demeaning and out for one person, self.
5. They are not in any way driven by a sense of moral responsibility or conscience.
6. They do what they are supposed to when someone in authority is watching and then they cut corners when no one is looking.
7. They shop around until they get the answers they want.
8. They play people to gain attention.
9.  They create situations to make people feel inadequate and not good enough.
10. They will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat.


Worse Yet is When the Manipulator is Someone You Trust (ed)
1. Your boss
2. Your best friend
3. Your lover
4. Your parent
5. Your child.

Then the stab of the manipulation becomes more difficult because there is emotion involved. And hurt. And fear. And a sense of ambiguity about the future.

And the reaction. It is tough to hold back reactions when manipulators are at work. They are a pain in the butt for one thing. For another, if you speak up you give them more ammunition to attack further. Yet, one can only hold back for so long before the pressure cooker explodes.

1. Fear- will I lose my job? Will I be written out or replaced? The manipulator likes to keep people in a constant state of doubt.
2. Anger- When I reach out to support the manipulator and they turn on me.
3. Amazement- When they do a 180 degree and try to make you look bad.
4. Anger- When they create the conflict and drama and then turn the tables to make it look like it is your battle.
5. Embarrassment- when they throw you under the bus in front of other people.
6. Hurt- When they discard you because you are of no use to them anymore.
7. Self-Doubt- When they try to make you seem like you are no longer important or worthy.
8. Anger- When they go against their word and manipulate to get their way.
9. Frustration- When you are stuck and don't see a positive way out.

And then the solution.
1. Breathe
2. Detach
3. Make an action plan.
4. Don't imagine the worse.
5. Don't confide, discuss, or support any longer.
6. Stay away unless it is absolutely necessary to communicate.
7. Find a positive out.
8. Plan to escape.
9. Attempt not to internalize
10. Do not react and make self look bad.

All easier said than done, but good words to follow. Manipulators and narcissists have no conscience. they have no sense of right or wrong. They are driven by a need to flash self and be the best in the room. They will do what ever is necessary to gain control.

Finding self in situations over and over. One asks, how do I keep finding myself here? Do I put myself here or is this a lesson I am to learn? It is disheartening though and rough on one's health and well-being to continue to go through these types of toxic situations.

The Silver Lining
It does exist. There is always an answer. A reason. A way out. The key is to try not to let the water in the vessel and to function on the fringes. Be kind and accurate and polite but get out. The misery is in the interim. Or when one already threw away a great opportunity to exit and now is feeling even more stuck. We owe nothing to anyone. We owe only the necessary niceties. If the manipulator is a loved one or boss, they will lose out as karma does throw a hard curve ball. In the meantime, buck up baby cause it does get better.