Sometimes you just have to go back to Step One. Powerless and knowing that you are powerless over circumstances. That God will have the serenity and grace to make things over.
First Step Prayer
Higher Power i admit that i am powerless over food. My life is unmanageable. Help me understand powerless. Remove all denial. Open my eyes to my areas of denial and help me overcome.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change what I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
It's needing to find like minded people who understand the devastation.
It is needing to identify relapse, finding a good place, getting geared and seeing a future that is past tomorrow.
Nothing is permanent. All is temporary. PTSD, trust, energy, kindness,
Strength to lose weight
Filling the spiritual void.
Finding a way to leave the house and get connected.
Admitting I am misplaced and getting out of it.
Missed opportunities for plays and drama and watching them.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Monday, October 17, 2016
365 Days More
Today is my birthday. My goal for the next 365 days, make life better for others.
How do to so?
1. Say thank you more often.
2. Welcome criticism or direction.
3. Keep things light.
4. Take advantage of time with family.
5. Live below means.
6. Travel
7. Volunteer
8. Reach out to foster youth who need support.
9. Thank God for blessings.
10. Enjoy the life I am given.
How do to so?
1. Say thank you more often.
2. Welcome criticism or direction.
3. Keep things light.
4. Take advantage of time with family.
5. Live below means.
6. Travel
7. Volunteer
8. Reach out to foster youth who need support.
9. Thank God for blessings.
10. Enjoy the life I am given.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Living Cleaner
Living cleaner means decluttering ones life. So how does one live cleaner?
1. Less news shows and more classic books.
2. Less time online and more time in a book.
3. Less time checking phone and more time journaling.
4. Less time surfing the web and more time writing.
5. Less time watching crime shows and more time watching PBS.
6. Less time complaining and more time showing gratitude.
7. Taking time to stop and reflect.
8. Doing a little every day to keep things tidy.
9. More authentic food and less carry out.
10. Finding a zen spot for errand running.
11. Time at the gym to decompress.
12. Credit cards paid off.
13. Give, receive, and give.
14. Spiritual reflection and prayer.
15. Staying within the boundaries at work
16. Lots of green plants to clean the air.
17. Minimal sugar and sweetners
18. Exalting rather than gossiping
____________________________________________
What are the benefits of decluttering?
1. Less stress.
2. Better sleep
3. Greater connection
4. Peace
5. Happiness and joy
6. Longer life
7. Greater sense of self.
8. Value added to others.
9. Trust and faith
10. Quiet
1. Less news shows and more classic books.
2. Less time online and more time in a book.
3. Less time checking phone and more time journaling.
4. Less time surfing the web and more time writing.
5. Less time watching crime shows and more time watching PBS.
6. Less time complaining and more time showing gratitude.
7. Taking time to stop and reflect.
8. Doing a little every day to keep things tidy.
9. More authentic food and less carry out.
10. Finding a zen spot for errand running.
11. Time at the gym to decompress.
12. Credit cards paid off.
13. Give, receive, and give.
14. Spiritual reflection and prayer.
15. Staying within the boundaries at work
16. Lots of green plants to clean the air.
17. Minimal sugar and sweetners
18. Exalting rather than gossiping
____________________________________________
What are the benefits of decluttering?
1. Less stress.
2. Better sleep
3. Greater connection
4. Peace
5. Happiness and joy
6. Longer life
7. Greater sense of self.
8. Value added to others.
9. Trust and faith
10. Quiet
Friday, September 30, 2016
Stay Out of the Line of Fire
The line of fire comes when unhappiness hits a person and they lash out. The line of fire comes with a fierce ray of lightening. It can come in the form of abusive words, exclusive acts, or lies and deceit. The said thing about the line of fire is the fact that it has no logic behind it other than unhappiness and a desire to hurt another to ease one's pain.
When You are In the Line of Fire
When you are in the line of fire you will find yourself feeling quite like a rag doll. Pulled and pushed and yanked from place to place, being in the line of fire means that for the moment, one no longer has any control of one's fate or behavior. Instead, one is at the beck and call of the abuser. One must march when told to march and stop when told to stop. One must take the brunt of all of the pent up anger and aggression of the unhappy perpetrator. One is not a victim, yet plays a role in keeping the perp happy. If the perp can push around someone, he or she avoids personal pain. Becomes the aggressor. Gains power.
What Does the Line of Fire Entail?
1. Manipulation
2. Anger
3. Unfair threats
4. Exclusion
5. Chaos
6. Mixed messages
7. Control
8. Giddiness
9. Mobbing
10. Lies
How Does One Function While in the Line of Fire?
1. Focus on the positive.
2. A foundation solid and values oriented.
3. Hanging with happy people
4. Ignoring as long as possible
5. Confronting publicly
6. Staying Strong
7. Creating cartoon characters of the perp
8. Keeping one's values and integrity in place
9. Not giving in to the goading.
10. Finding a silver lining.
The humane way to deal with being in the line of fire is to have empathy for the pain of the perp. This though can only go so far. The level of tolerance depends on one's pain tolerance. When the chips are down and the pressure becomes intense, one needs an out. An escape. A place to run to to feel safe. This can be a physical place or a mental place. It is at this point that one must accept one's humanness. And begin self nurturing. Detachment. Righteous indignation. Mind games. It is at this point that one can say, "Enough is enough". I have had my fill of your junk and I am not going to play anymore. You can try to turn the tables on me and I will persevere because i am strong and I have no horse in this race. You have put me in your line of fire due to your own insecurity and toxic needs. I am not to blame and I will now exit. I may physically be present, but I have mentally checked out. And I am not playing anymore.
Lines of fire happen at all levels and places. The manipulator, the bully, the person looking to play with a new toy, the uninhibited. Yet, we know, pride comes before a downfall and we create the karma we keep. Throwing other people under the bus can only last for a while. Then the truth comes back to kick one's behind. In the meantime, we hear of people who are the target of abusers for years who have no way to escape yet they survive.
Being in the line of fire, however painful and dysfunctional, does make one stronger. It is finding the inner strength to move forward within the situation that builds the ability to keep persevering.
Friday, September 23, 2016
Dealing with Manipulators
1. They play games with people to get what they want which is often attention or control.
2. They lie, cheat, and back stab in order to keep control.
3. They attempt to keep control and continue their games by dropping small morsels or rewards.
4. They are demeaning and out for one person, self.
5. They are not in any way driven by a sense of moral responsibility or conscience.
6. They do what they are supposed to when someone in authority is watching and then they cut corners when no one is looking.
7. They shop around until they get the answers they want.
8. They play people to gain attention.
9. They create situations to make people feel inadequate and not good enough.
10. They will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat.
Worse Yet is When the Manipulator is Someone You Trust (ed)
1. Your boss
2. Your best friend
3. Your lover
4. Your parent
5. Your child.
Then the stab of the manipulation becomes more difficult because there is emotion involved. And hurt. And fear. And a sense of ambiguity about the future.
And the reaction. It is tough to hold back reactions when manipulators are at work. They are a pain in the butt for one thing. For another, if you speak up you give them more ammunition to attack further. Yet, one can only hold back for so long before the pressure cooker explodes.
1. Fear- will I lose my job? Will I be written out or replaced? The manipulator likes to keep people in a constant state of doubt.
2. Anger- When I reach out to support the manipulator and they turn on me.
3. Amazement- When they do a 180 degree and try to make you look bad.
4. Anger- When they create the conflict and drama and then turn the tables to make it look like it is your battle.
5. Embarrassment- when they throw you under the bus in front of other people.
6. Hurt- When they discard you because you are of no use to them anymore.
7. Self-Doubt- When they try to make you seem like you are no longer important or worthy.
8. Anger- When they go against their word and manipulate to get their way.
9. Frustration- When you are stuck and don't see a positive way out.
And then the solution.
1. Breathe
2. Detach
3. Make an action plan.
4. Don't imagine the worse.
5. Don't confide, discuss, or support any longer.
6. Stay away unless it is absolutely necessary to communicate.
7. Find a positive out.
8. Plan to escape.
9. Attempt not to internalize
10. Do not react and make self look bad.
All easier said than done, but good words to follow. Manipulators and narcissists have no conscience. they have no sense of right or wrong. They are driven by a need to flash self and be the best in the room. They will do what ever is necessary to gain control.
Finding self in situations over and over. One asks, how do I keep finding myself here? Do I put myself here or is this a lesson I am to learn? It is disheartening though and rough on one's health and well-being to continue to go through these types of toxic situations.
The Silver Lining
It does exist. There is always an answer. A reason. A way out. The key is to try not to let the water in the vessel and to function on the fringes. Be kind and accurate and polite but get out. The misery is in the interim. Or when one already threw away a great opportunity to exit and now is feeling even more stuck. We owe nothing to anyone. We owe only the necessary niceties. If the manipulator is a loved one or boss, they will lose out as karma does throw a hard curve ball. In the meantime, buck up baby cause it does get better.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Junior High Revisited
One of the hardest parts of dealing with unfulfilled dreams is reckoning with the person who is feeling unfulfilled and then decides to make life miserable for others. They take their insecurity and anger out on the person or people who are their biggest threat. Usually if someone is unhappy or is feeling left out, they lash out at the person they feel is the biggest threat. Or they lash out at the person who does not buy their game. Or they name call, look for incidents, use exclusion and isolation, and generally ignore to scapegoat, while building up an army of others around them to reinforce power. In general, they become or are a bully.
So how did it work in junior high when this happened? (And as a disclaimer to junior high friends, it did not happen much thankfully).
Bully Leader
The bully leader who is usually a narcissist and somewhat of a bully. Their world revolves around self, promoting self, being the best, the brightest, and the center of attention. They usually will lie, cheat, or generally deceive to get what they want. When their empire is challenged, they become mean, vindictive, and generally hard to get along with.
Scapegoat
The scapegoat is the target of the bully. This is the one who carries the brunt of the leader. The scapegoat usually wants peace and will do what is asked. The bully uses the scapegoat as a lap dog and when they feel challenged or rejected by the scapegoat, they retaliate and attempt to isolate the scapegoat and build a coalition elsewhere. Or they make threats. Usually the scapegoat is well liked, easy to get along with, and presents a threat to the bully. The bully transfers all anger and frustration to the scapegoat and attempts to rationalize this as normal.
Suck It Upper
The suck it upper has leaned to get what he or she wants by going along with the leader or the person who has what they want. They lie, cajole, and generally suck up to get what they want. Yet the reality is, the suck it upper turns on the leader in a heartbeat to get what he or she wants. When the backs are turned, they slack off, they turn loyalty to the next in line, and they play the game.
The Little General
The Little General wants power at all costs. They will go after it by becoming the hench man for the bully. They will also talk about the bully behind their back and gossip fearlessly. Not to be trusted, the Little General wants one thing only, power.
The Fringe Person
The fringe person hangs on the edge and watches. They act oblivious but watch carefully. They enjoy the drama and participate as needed.
--------------------------------------------------
So if you watched the movie, Mean Girls, you know that the scapegoat comes clean in the end. The Bully gets blasted and the others fall by the wayside. Sometimes when living in this world, it is like a movie. Things go on all around and crazy chaos ensues, and nothing really gets done. Dealing with a Bully is likened to being in a prison camp. Many of the same feelings occur, just at a different level.
Surviving as Scapegoat
Being the scapegoat is a crazy place to be. One needs to watch one's reactions at all costs. Usually maturity brings closure. The best way to deal with a bully leader as the scapegoat is to lay low and stay on the fringes. Not ripple waves. Not cause and certainly do not fight back. That is what they want. And show no fear. Trust in the process to get you through and then get out. Document at all costs if it is a work situation.
Know it is not personal
Know it is not personal and provide no reaction to feed into the situation. Get out as soon as possible. Find others to build on and don't leave any footprints in the sand. Don't try to please the bully and do not be vulnerable to the bully.
Don't Second Guess Self
The posturing, the money, the big talk, the new toys, the groupies, are all a ploy to feel better and build a fake house of cards soon to fall down. Laying low and living with integrity and morals may be boring, but is real. Keep real, don't gossip, and find folks with like minds.
Consider the Source
When the nastiness or the mobbing, or the bullying comes. When the threats rise up, consider the source. When fear sets in of repercussions or the future, remain intact with integrity and ask what the worse alternative could be. Keep good notes. Know that this too will pass.
Fill it With Humor
When dealing with a Bully, make them the butt of your humor. Find ways to make fun of them that they are not aware of. Victor Frankl did this in the prison camp. Select an icon and use it as a behind the scenes way to throw barbs.
Keep Integrity
Don't throw yourself under the bus for the sake of the bully. Do not lose face. Do not try to talk it out or negotiate. Do not be vulnerable. They will take it and run with it and spread it all around. They will try to make you look bad, set up situations for rebuttal, and generally act mean. Keep calm, stay strong, and don't let it get you down. Do not blame self. It is not about you, it is about them. You have something they want and they cannot have something they want and you are the target. Stay strong!.
Don't Play Into the Psychology
If the bully targets you, don't play. If you are the target it is because you are the threat. Relish the fact that you must be doing something good or they would not be targeting you. Don't stick around too long. Find a place where you fit and get away from them. They will not change and in their psychosis and despair will stop at nothing to break down the threat.
Take Care of Self
Be mindful. Don't try to please. No more second chances or feeling sorry for the bully. Detach. Do what is necessary and find a safe spot. In all else, do not internalize and take care of self. Do not be vulnerable and do not react emotionally to the rejection that you will feel if you are the target. Trust in the good.
So how did it work in junior high when this happened? (And as a disclaimer to junior high friends, it did not happen much thankfully).
Bully Leader
The bully leader who is usually a narcissist and somewhat of a bully. Their world revolves around self, promoting self, being the best, the brightest, and the center of attention. They usually will lie, cheat, or generally deceive to get what they want. When their empire is challenged, they become mean, vindictive, and generally hard to get along with.
Scapegoat
The scapegoat is the target of the bully. This is the one who carries the brunt of the leader. The scapegoat usually wants peace and will do what is asked. The bully uses the scapegoat as a lap dog and when they feel challenged or rejected by the scapegoat, they retaliate and attempt to isolate the scapegoat and build a coalition elsewhere. Or they make threats. Usually the scapegoat is well liked, easy to get along with, and presents a threat to the bully. The bully transfers all anger and frustration to the scapegoat and attempts to rationalize this as normal.
Suck It Upper
The suck it upper has leaned to get what he or she wants by going along with the leader or the person who has what they want. They lie, cajole, and generally suck up to get what they want. Yet the reality is, the suck it upper turns on the leader in a heartbeat to get what he or she wants. When the backs are turned, they slack off, they turn loyalty to the next in line, and they play the game.
The Little General
The Little General wants power at all costs. They will go after it by becoming the hench man for the bully. They will also talk about the bully behind their back and gossip fearlessly. Not to be trusted, the Little General wants one thing only, power.
The Fringe Person
The fringe person hangs on the edge and watches. They act oblivious but watch carefully. They enjoy the drama and participate as needed.
--------------------------------------------------
So if you watched the movie, Mean Girls, you know that the scapegoat comes clean in the end. The Bully gets blasted and the others fall by the wayside. Sometimes when living in this world, it is like a movie. Things go on all around and crazy chaos ensues, and nothing really gets done. Dealing with a Bully is likened to being in a prison camp. Many of the same feelings occur, just at a different level.
Surviving as Scapegoat
Being the scapegoat is a crazy place to be. One needs to watch one's reactions at all costs. Usually maturity brings closure. The best way to deal with a bully leader as the scapegoat is to lay low and stay on the fringes. Not ripple waves. Not cause and certainly do not fight back. That is what they want. And show no fear. Trust in the process to get you through and then get out. Document at all costs if it is a work situation.
Know it is not personal
Know it is not personal and provide no reaction to feed into the situation. Get out as soon as possible. Find others to build on and don't leave any footprints in the sand. Don't try to please the bully and do not be vulnerable to the bully.
Don't Second Guess Self
The posturing, the money, the big talk, the new toys, the groupies, are all a ploy to feel better and build a fake house of cards soon to fall down. Laying low and living with integrity and morals may be boring, but is real. Keep real, don't gossip, and find folks with like minds.
Consider the Source
When the nastiness or the mobbing, or the bullying comes. When the threats rise up, consider the source. When fear sets in of repercussions or the future, remain intact with integrity and ask what the worse alternative could be. Keep good notes. Know that this too will pass.
Fill it With Humor
When dealing with a Bully, make them the butt of your humor. Find ways to make fun of them that they are not aware of. Victor Frankl did this in the prison camp. Select an icon and use it as a behind the scenes way to throw barbs.
Keep Integrity
Don't throw yourself under the bus for the sake of the bully. Do not lose face. Do not try to talk it out or negotiate. Do not be vulnerable. They will take it and run with it and spread it all around. They will try to make you look bad, set up situations for rebuttal, and generally act mean. Keep calm, stay strong, and don't let it get you down. Do not blame self. It is not about you, it is about them. You have something they want and they cannot have something they want and you are the target. Stay strong!.
Don't Play Into the Psychology
If the bully targets you, don't play. If you are the target it is because you are the threat. Relish the fact that you must be doing something good or they would not be targeting you. Don't stick around too long. Find a place where you fit and get away from them. They will not change and in their psychosis and despair will stop at nothing to break down the threat.
Take Care of Self
Be mindful. Don't try to please. No more second chances or feeling sorry for the bully. Detach. Do what is necessary and find a safe spot. In all else, do not internalize and take care of self. Do not be vulnerable and do not react emotionally to the rejection that you will feel if you are the target. Trust in the good.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Best Laid Plans
Steinbeck wrote the book, Of Mice and Men and thus coined the phrase, best laid plans of mice and men. Everyone has their own best laid plans. They have to do with family, attention, culture, and filling the spirit whole.
Recently I reached out to others to discover their "best laid plans". Most had to do with goals for the future, having a place to come home to, health, heart, and personal growth. Altruism. Reaching out. They looked like this:
1. Live in a world with like minded people.
2. Avoid being a workaholic.
3. Find a passion and teach it to others.
4. Work in a way that makes a difference.
5. Frame success based on respect and value.
6. Set strict and relevant daily goals.
7. Stay mindful.
8. Give gratitude.
9. Feed the mind, the body, and the soul daily.
10. Find a happy spot.
11. Hang out with people who respect you.
12. Give as one would take.
Best laid plans change with age. The best laid plans of a 30 year old are different than those of a 40 year old and on up the ladder. Somehow reaching 50 makes a difference. One begins to think less of impressing for personal gain and more of giving for others. And in the process, one looks to relaxing in self.
Best laid plans are subject to change. This is the hard knock lesson. When one thinks one is invaluable, when one makes decisions based on breaking down instead of building up. Plans change. It is the school of hard knocks. Suddenly one learns that to really be, one has to be kinder, more gentle. Empathetic and understanding. No one likes a bully. When the need to control and overtake becomes stronger than the need to grow and do good, best laid plans go awry.
Best laid plans are multi-faceted and can be diverted by learned helplessness. The common needs:
to grow, to set new goals, to feed the mind and soul everyday, to reach out to others, to save and give back, to take care of self, to inspire, to create. These can go by the wayside if one falls into a pattern of learned helplessness.
Best laid plans will divert the learned helplessness. Having a set schedule. Having a routine. Being mindful. Making each day succinct from the others. Not getting caught in the blob of life without mindful attempts to make each day special. Giving up and giving in. Being a part of the solution and not a part of the problem. Holding oneself to high moral standards.
Best laid plans will encourage health, growth, and soul feeding
People find what they need to make the growth work. This is best laid plans. And it is not easy. It is a deliberate, daily routine grounded in faith.
Best laid plans can change the path
People look for a chance to make a difference. What is it that really motivates the soul? Those are life questions one seems to ask after 50. Have I moved from a place of giving and teaching and feeding others to a place of pushing paper and fulfilling deadlines? Have I moved from an independent and autonomous free spirit to an executive controlled by deadlines, team building, and chaos? Have I kept or lost the initial drive to reach out and help others? To make every day the best day on earth for the people around me?
Best laid plans have a bottom line
Do I live within my means? Do I have a plan? Are my goals aligned with my potential? Have I become a slave to the high cost of living? Will I become a bag lady (Bag lady syndrome hits after 50).
Best laid plans are generational
Am I meeting the goals set for me by those I look up to? Have I lived to the potential of the people that inspired me? Grew me? Am I keeping a check on my areas of hubris and weakness everyday? Am I keeping the spiritual goals that were grounded in me early in my life? Do I remember what has enabled me to thrive in times of adversity or pain?
Best laid plans are wake up calls
The best laid wake up call is to reconnect. Reflect. Am I doing what i planned for myself at this point in my life? What goals do I need to make to keep thriving? Who do I need in my life to feed my soul and my interests? Where did I compromise or fall short? Who did I hurt along the way? Was I justified or am i justifying?
Best laid plans go to the heart
Where is the one that got away? Where does my heart go back to when I think of home? Who are the people who make the most difference for me? How have I handled the losses? Am I holding on to something that is not real and when will I go back or forward or sideways to reframe?
Best laid plans change with grief
Best laid plans come when one can let go of the fear of tomorrow that comes with the constant fear of losing loved ones or one's foothold. Grief and loss can wreak chaos on the soul. Early loss creates crucibles which define one's stature and demeanor. And then when the losses of mid life become more, the snowball can get bigger as it goes down the mountain and the losses add up. Grief is a natural part of living, yet when the grief becomes too much, something gives. It is the grieving of the person who one was when life was in its prime. It is the grieving of the loss of being the child, the coddled, and the special one when one has to become the strong one, the orphan, the parentless. And it is scary.
Best laid plans are not grounded in duty
Sitting apart from duty enables one to be creative and let the juices flow. Making mountains of work out of simple tasks is the job of someone who has too much time on their hands. Perfectionism will cause this also. Duty is negative. Moving above duty means finding a happy spot and involving others in the process. Being kind. Having fun. Letting go. Life is too short.
Best laid plans are formed in the car or on the treadmill
Best laid plans come with time for flow. Listening to music in the car or on the treadmill can only up one's game. It is the time for flow. For reflection. For growth.
Best laid plans are not grounded in fear
Did I mention this twice? If so, only because this is so important. Fear paralyzes. Fear is based on shame and old baggage. Healthy fear can protect one from a burglar or a ferocious lion. Paralyzing fear grounded in shame and baggage can only inhibit growth of plans. The antithesis of fear is faith. Faith and childlike wonder enable one to keep going. To look for other avenues for success. To keep a solid line.
Best laid plans enable the good
Best laid plans enable the good. Even when one is in a situation where abuse or control are paramount, best laid plans enable the good. It is the good heart and the good soul, and the positive that can overshoot the negative. It is the ability to reach out and find one's inner core, spiritual center, place of happiness, that enables one to enable the good and overcome the negative. It is the hope and faith of a new beginning, a new book, a new friend, a new movie. It is respecting the foundation and then moving to new adventures.
Best laid plans enable us to wiggle out from under abuse without getting hurt
Best laid plans allow us to maintain a low profile and quietly enjoy life when abusers try to take over. Best laid plans provide a respite and a core foundation grounded in faith and reverence and connection. Best laid plans require us to have composure in the face of needling or subversive actions from those we look to for care. Best laid plans help us find a quiet out for the chaos.
Best laid plans help us to remember to make each day a new day
So many things are on the horizon. Presidential Election. Profiling. Hamilton. The upcoming holidays. So many books to read and places to go. People who need support. People who want mentoring. People who provide fun. Our best laid plans hold us accountable and responsible for the health and well being of self and others. The rest is an exercise in making each day a new day and a better day.
When making plans
Recently I reached out to others to discover their "best laid plans". Most had to do with goals for the future, having a place to come home to, health, heart, and personal growth. Altruism. Reaching out. They looked like this:
1. Live in a world with like minded people.
2. Avoid being a workaholic.
3. Find a passion and teach it to others.
4. Work in a way that makes a difference.
5. Frame success based on respect and value.
6. Set strict and relevant daily goals.
7. Stay mindful.
8. Give gratitude.
9. Feed the mind, the body, and the soul daily.
10. Find a happy spot.
11. Hang out with people who respect you.
12. Give as one would take.
Best laid plans change with age. The best laid plans of a 30 year old are different than those of a 40 year old and on up the ladder. Somehow reaching 50 makes a difference. One begins to think less of impressing for personal gain and more of giving for others. And in the process, one looks to relaxing in self.
Best laid plans are subject to change. This is the hard knock lesson. When one thinks one is invaluable, when one makes decisions based on breaking down instead of building up. Plans change. It is the school of hard knocks. Suddenly one learns that to really be, one has to be kinder, more gentle. Empathetic and understanding. No one likes a bully. When the need to control and overtake becomes stronger than the need to grow and do good, best laid plans go awry.
Best laid plans are multi-faceted and can be diverted by learned helplessness. The common needs:
to grow, to set new goals, to feed the mind and soul everyday, to reach out to others, to save and give back, to take care of self, to inspire, to create. These can go by the wayside if one falls into a pattern of learned helplessness.
Best laid plans will divert the learned helplessness. Having a set schedule. Having a routine. Being mindful. Making each day succinct from the others. Not getting caught in the blob of life without mindful attempts to make each day special. Giving up and giving in. Being a part of the solution and not a part of the problem. Holding oneself to high moral standards.
Best laid plans will encourage health, growth, and soul feeding
People find what they need to make the growth work. This is best laid plans. And it is not easy. It is a deliberate, daily routine grounded in faith.
Best laid plans can change the path
People look for a chance to make a difference. What is it that really motivates the soul? Those are life questions one seems to ask after 50. Have I moved from a place of giving and teaching and feeding others to a place of pushing paper and fulfilling deadlines? Have I moved from an independent and autonomous free spirit to an executive controlled by deadlines, team building, and chaos? Have I kept or lost the initial drive to reach out and help others? To make every day the best day on earth for the people around me?
Best laid plans have a bottom line
Do I live within my means? Do I have a plan? Are my goals aligned with my potential? Have I become a slave to the high cost of living? Will I become a bag lady (Bag lady syndrome hits after 50).
Best laid plans are generational
Am I meeting the goals set for me by those I look up to? Have I lived to the potential of the people that inspired me? Grew me? Am I keeping a check on my areas of hubris and weakness everyday? Am I keeping the spiritual goals that were grounded in me early in my life? Do I remember what has enabled me to thrive in times of adversity or pain?
Best laid plans are wake up calls
The best laid wake up call is to reconnect. Reflect. Am I doing what i planned for myself at this point in my life? What goals do I need to make to keep thriving? Who do I need in my life to feed my soul and my interests? Where did I compromise or fall short? Who did I hurt along the way? Was I justified or am i justifying?
Best laid plans go to the heart
Where is the one that got away? Where does my heart go back to when I think of home? Who are the people who make the most difference for me? How have I handled the losses? Am I holding on to something that is not real and when will I go back or forward or sideways to reframe?
Best laid plans change with grief
Best laid plans come when one can let go of the fear of tomorrow that comes with the constant fear of losing loved ones or one's foothold. Grief and loss can wreak chaos on the soul. Early loss creates crucibles which define one's stature and demeanor. And then when the losses of mid life become more, the snowball can get bigger as it goes down the mountain and the losses add up. Grief is a natural part of living, yet when the grief becomes too much, something gives. It is the grieving of the person who one was when life was in its prime. It is the grieving of the loss of being the child, the coddled, and the special one when one has to become the strong one, the orphan, the parentless. And it is scary.
Best laid plans are not grounded in duty
Best laid plans are formed in the car or on the treadmill
Best laid plans come with time for flow. Listening to music in the car or on the treadmill can only up one's game. It is the time for flow. For reflection. For growth.
Best laid plans are not grounded in fear
Did I mention this twice? If so, only because this is so important. Fear paralyzes. Fear is based on shame and old baggage. Healthy fear can protect one from a burglar or a ferocious lion. Paralyzing fear grounded in shame and baggage can only inhibit growth of plans. The antithesis of fear is faith. Faith and childlike wonder enable one to keep going. To look for other avenues for success. To keep a solid line.Best laid plans enable the good
Best laid plans enable the good. Even when one is in a situation where abuse or control are paramount, best laid plans enable the good. It is the good heart and the good soul, and the positive that can overshoot the negative. It is the ability to reach out and find one's inner core, spiritual center, place of happiness, that enables one to enable the good and overcome the negative. It is the hope and faith of a new beginning, a new book, a new friend, a new movie. It is respecting the foundation and then moving to new adventures.
Best laid plans enable us to wiggle out from under abuse without getting hurt
Best laid plans allow us to maintain a low profile and quietly enjoy life when abusers try to take over. Best laid plans provide a respite and a core foundation grounded in faith and reverence and connection. Best laid plans require us to have composure in the face of needling or subversive actions from those we look to for care. Best laid plans help us find a quiet out for the chaos.
So many things are on the horizon. Presidential Election. Profiling. Hamilton. The upcoming holidays. So many books to read and places to go. People who need support. People who want mentoring. People who provide fun. Our best laid plans hold us accountable and responsible for the health and well being of self and others. The rest is an exercise in making each day a new day and a better day.
When making plans
- Move to a happier place.
- Keep a nice everyday journal
- Clean up, spruce up and declutter.
- Practice positive self care.
- Put people before paper.
- Check in every day.
- Write a to do list for books to read, movies to watch, and classes to take.
- Find that inner zen spot and give to others.
- Identify patterns of learned helplessness and overcome those with faith and connection.
- Know that in all things God is good.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Top 365: Endurance
Today I reflect on two things, moving on and people who try to hold others back.
Moving On
Moving on means continually growing and letting go of the past. In order to move on, one must find a replacement for the old and move into the new. Moving on means not burying the past, but regarding it as a sand in time and then moving into the future. Moving on means growth. It means that today I am one step closer to being better than I was yesterday. It means that I have a responsibility to give back and daily renew to make life better for myself and others. Moving on means that I cannot be tied to old habits, patterns, and beliefs that have prevented me from being the best I can be. It means that with gain there is pain and that I have to confront and tackle the challenges ahead.
I wrote a dissertation. It was a test of endurance. It was an accomplishment. It is mine. I birthed it and I nurtured it and I am proud of it. It was tough at times but instills in me a deep sense of pride. Yet, I cannot let my accomplishment be my foundation for success. For I must move on. Set new goals. Achieve new milestones. Look for new opportunity to grow. And I must allow those I lead to have the same opportunity.
People Who Hold Others Back
I can become instantly frustrated when I encounter someone who tries to hold me back from growth. I try to be judicial in my requests to grow and not approach anything from a sense of entitlement. I also try to never be a person who holds others back. I supervise people. They have needs. If my area of responsibility is to grow, it will only happen if I let others grow. When I find myself trying to hold back another and be controlling, I step back and reflect. Because usually when I do this it is because I am feeling threatened or insecure myself and am trying to control. Or I am jealous of that person. Then I know it is time for me to step back and take a break. I also cognitively know that this mindset will inhibit growth and productivity, yet that little girl in me is stomping her foot. This is where emotional intelligence is necessary to overcome the tendency to control and stymy others and let go. For deep inside I know there is plenty for everyone and we reap what we sow. If we hold others back, someone will hold us back. It is karma at its best. It is just sometimes hard to get there.
So moving on and holding back are two concepts that closely intermingle. And what is the one who is holding me back is myself? Oh, that can be even worse for then I become my own worst enemy. Then I have to compete with myself and feel threatened by myself and then overcome myself. That is willpower. That is self-discipline. That is maturity. That is my challenge.
So, in taking care of self day two, the challenge is not to hold myself back but to move on and be the best I can be. Encourage myself. Empower myself, and make a difference.
Moving On
Moving on means continually growing and letting go of the past. In order to move on, one must find a replacement for the old and move into the new. Moving on means not burying the past, but regarding it as a sand in time and then moving into the future. Moving on means growth. It means that today I am one step closer to being better than I was yesterday. It means that I have a responsibility to give back and daily renew to make life better for myself and others. Moving on means that I cannot be tied to old habits, patterns, and beliefs that have prevented me from being the best I can be. It means that with gain there is pain and that I have to confront and tackle the challenges ahead.
I wrote a dissertation. It was a test of endurance. It was an accomplishment. It is mine. I birthed it and I nurtured it and I am proud of it. It was tough at times but instills in me a deep sense of pride. Yet, I cannot let my accomplishment be my foundation for success. For I must move on. Set new goals. Achieve new milestones. Look for new opportunity to grow. And I must allow those I lead to have the same opportunity.
People Who Hold Others Back
I can become instantly frustrated when I encounter someone who tries to hold me back from growth. I try to be judicial in my requests to grow and not approach anything from a sense of entitlement. I also try to never be a person who holds others back. I supervise people. They have needs. If my area of responsibility is to grow, it will only happen if I let others grow. When I find myself trying to hold back another and be controlling, I step back and reflect. Because usually when I do this it is because I am feeling threatened or insecure myself and am trying to control. Or I am jealous of that person. Then I know it is time for me to step back and take a break. I also cognitively know that this mindset will inhibit growth and productivity, yet that little girl in me is stomping her foot. This is where emotional intelligence is necessary to overcome the tendency to control and stymy others and let go. For deep inside I know there is plenty for everyone and we reap what we sow. If we hold others back, someone will hold us back. It is karma at its best. It is just sometimes hard to get there.
So moving on and holding back are two concepts that closely intermingle. And what is the one who is holding me back is myself? Oh, that can be even worse for then I become my own worst enemy. Then I have to compete with myself and feel threatened by myself and then overcome myself. That is willpower. That is self-discipline. That is maturity. That is my challenge.
So, in taking care of self day two, the challenge is not to hold myself back but to move on and be the best I can be. Encourage myself. Empower myself, and make a difference.
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