Junior High Revisited

One of the hardest parts of dealing with unfulfilled dreams is reckoning with the person who is feeling unfulfilled and then decides to make life miserable for others. They take their insecurity and anger out on the person or people who are their biggest threat.  Usually if someone is unhappy or is feeling left out, they lash out at the person they feel is the biggest threat. Or they lash out at the person who does not buy their game.  Or they name call, look for incidents, use exclusion and isolation, and generally ignore to scapegoat, while building up an army of others around them to reinforce power. In general, they become or are a bully.

So how did it work in junior high when this happened? (And as a disclaimer to junior high friends, it did not happen much thankfully). 

Bully Leader
The bully leader  who is usually a narcissist and somewhat of a bully. Their world revolves around self, promoting self, being the best, the brightest, and the center of attention. They usually will lie, cheat, or generally deceive to get what they want. When their empire is challenged, they become mean, vindictive, and generally hard to get along with.

Scapegoat
The scapegoat is the target of the bully.  This is the one who carries the brunt of the leader.  The scapegoat usually wants peace and will do what is asked. The bully uses the scapegoat as a lap dog and when they feel challenged  or rejected by the scapegoat, they retaliate and attempt to isolate the scapegoat and build a coalition elsewhere. Or they make threats.  Usually the scapegoat is well liked, easy to get along with, and presents a threat to the bully. The bully transfers all anger and frustration to the scapegoat and attempts to rationalize this as normal.

Suck It Upper
The suck it upper has leaned to get what he or she wants by going along with the leader or the person who has what they want. They lie, cajole, and generally suck up to get what they want.  Yet the reality is, the suck it upper turns on the leader in a heartbeat to get what he or she wants. When the backs are turned, they slack off, they turn loyalty to the next in line, and they play the game.

The Little General
The Little General wants power at all costs. They will go after it by becoming the hench man for the bully. They will also talk about the bully behind their back and gossip fearlessly. Not to be trusted, the Little General wants one thing only, power.

The Fringe Person
The fringe person hangs on the edge and watches. They act oblivious but watch carefully.  They enjoy the drama and participate as needed.
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So if you watched the movie, Mean Girls, you know that the scapegoat comes clean in the end. The Bully gets blasted and the others fall by the wayside. Sometimes when living in this world, it is like a movie. Things go on all around and crazy chaos ensues, and nothing really gets done. Dealing with a Bully is likened to being in a prison camp. Many of the same feelings occur, just at a different level.

Surviving as Scapegoat
Being the scapegoat is a crazy place to be. One needs to watch one's reactions at all costs. Usually maturity brings closure. The best way to deal with a bully leader as the scapegoat is to lay low and stay on the fringes. Not ripple waves. Not cause and certainly do not fight back. That is what they want. And show no fear.  Trust in the process to get you through and then get out. Document at all costs if it is a work situation.

Know it is not personal
Know it is not personal and provide no reaction to feed into the situation. Get out as soon as possible.  Find others to build on and don't leave any footprints in the sand. Don't try to please the bully and do not be vulnerable to the bully.

Don't Second Guess Self
The posturing, the money, the big talk, the new toys, the groupies, are all a ploy to feel better and build a fake house of cards soon to fall down. Laying low and living with integrity and morals may be boring, but is real. Keep real, don't gossip, and find folks with like minds.

Consider the Source
When the nastiness or the mobbing, or the bullying comes. When the threats rise up, consider the source. When fear sets in of repercussions or the future, remain intact with integrity and ask what the worse alternative could be. Keep good notes. Know that this too will pass.

Fill it With Humor
When dealing with a Bully, make them the butt of your humor. Find ways to make fun of them that they are not aware of. Victor Frankl did this in the prison camp. Select an icon and use it as a behind the scenes way to throw barbs.

Keep Integrity
Don't throw yourself under the bus for the sake of the bully. Do not lose face. Do not try to talk it out or negotiate. Do not be vulnerable. They will take it and run with it and spread it all around. They will try to make you look bad, set up situations for rebuttal, and generally act mean. Keep calm, stay strong, and don't let it get you down. Do not blame self. It is not about you, it is about them. You have something they want and they cannot have something they want and you are the target.  Stay strong!.

Don't Play Into the Psychology
If the bully targets you, don't play. If you are the target it is because you are the threat. Relish the fact that you must be doing something good or they would not be targeting you. Don't stick around too long. Find a place where you fit and get away from them. They will not change and in their psychosis and despair will stop at nothing to break down the threat.

Take Care of Self
Be mindful. Don't try to please. No more second chances or feeling sorry for the bully. Detach. Do what is necessary and find a safe spot.  In all else, do not internalize and take care of self. Do not be vulnerable and do not react emotionally to the rejection that you will feel if you are the target.  Trust in the good.