Stay Out of the Line of Fire

The line of fire comes when unhappiness hits a person and they lash out. The line of fire comes with a fierce ray of lightening. It can come in the form of abusive words, exclusive acts, or lies and deceit. The said thing about the line of fire is the fact that it has no logic behind it other than unhappiness and a desire to hurt another to ease one's pain.

When You are In the Line of Fire
When you are in the line of fire you will find yourself feeling quite like a rag doll. Pulled and pushed and yanked from place to place, being in the line of fire means that for the moment, one no longer has any control of one's fate or behavior. Instead, one is at the beck and call of the abuser. One must march when told to march and stop when told to stop. One must take the brunt of all of the pent up anger and aggression of the unhappy perpetrator. One is not a victim, yet plays a role in keeping the perp happy. If the perp can push around someone, he or she avoids personal pain. Becomes the aggressor. Gains power.

What Does the Line of Fire Entail?
1. Manipulation
2. Anger
3. Unfair threats
4. Exclusion
5. Chaos
6. Mixed messages
7. Control
8. Giddiness
9. Mobbing
10. Lies

How Does One Function While in the Line of Fire?
1. Focus on the positive.
2. A foundation solid and values oriented.
3. Hanging with happy people
4. Ignoring as long as possible
5. Confronting publicly
6. Staying Strong
7. Creating cartoon characters of the perp
8. Keeping one's values and integrity in place
9. Not giving in to the goading.
10. Finding a silver lining.

The humane way to deal with being in the line of fire is to have empathy for the pain of the perp. This though can only go so far. The level of tolerance depends on one's pain tolerance. When the chips are down and the pressure becomes intense, one needs an out. An escape. A place to run to to feel safe. This can be a physical place or a mental place. It is at this point that one must accept one's humanness. And begin self nurturing. Detachment. Righteous indignation. Mind games. It is at this point that one can say, "Enough is enough". I have had my fill of your junk and I am not going to play anymore. You can try to turn the tables on me and I will persevere because i am strong and I have no horse in this race. You have put me in your line of fire due to your own insecurity and toxic needs. I am not to blame and I will now exit. I may physically be present, but I have mentally checked out. And I am not playing anymore.

Lines of fire happen at all levels and places. The manipulator, the bully, the person looking to play with a new toy, the uninhibited. Yet, we know, pride comes before a downfall and we create the karma we keep. Throwing other people under the bus can only last for a while. Then the truth comes back to kick one's behind.  In the meantime, we hear of people who are the target of abusers for years who have no way to escape yet they survive.

Being in the line of fire, however painful and dysfunctional, does make one stronger. It is finding the inner strength to move forward within the situation that builds the ability to keep persevering.

Dealing with Manipulators

Manipulators can be confusing. Worse yet, manipulators can be downright frustrating when you are the type of person who tries to live authentically. Dealing with a manipulator can liken to one feeling like a puppet. Worse yet, having a sense of loyalty to a manipulator can be the kiss of death. How do manipulators work?



1. They play games with people to get what they want which is often attention or control.
2. They lie, cheat, and back stab in order to keep control.
3. They attempt to keep control and continue their games by dropping small morsels or rewards.
4. They are demeaning and out for one person, self.
5. They are not in any way driven by a sense of moral responsibility or conscience.
6. They do what they are supposed to when someone in authority is watching and then they cut corners when no one is looking.
7. They shop around until they get the answers they want.
8. They play people to gain attention.
9.  They create situations to make people feel inadequate and not good enough.
10. They will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat.


Worse Yet is When the Manipulator is Someone You Trust (ed)
1. Your boss
2. Your best friend
3. Your lover
4. Your parent
5. Your child.

Then the stab of the manipulation becomes more difficult because there is emotion involved. And hurt. And fear. And a sense of ambiguity about the future.

And the reaction. It is tough to hold back reactions when manipulators are at work. They are a pain in the butt for one thing. For another, if you speak up you give them more ammunition to attack further. Yet, one can only hold back for so long before the pressure cooker explodes.

1. Fear- will I lose my job? Will I be written out or replaced? The manipulator likes to keep people in a constant state of doubt.
2. Anger- When I reach out to support the manipulator and they turn on me.
3. Amazement- When they do a 180 degree and try to make you look bad.
4. Anger- When they create the conflict and drama and then turn the tables to make it look like it is your battle.
5. Embarrassment- when they throw you under the bus in front of other people.
6. Hurt- When they discard you because you are of no use to them anymore.
7. Self-Doubt- When they try to make you seem like you are no longer important or worthy.
8. Anger- When they go against their word and manipulate to get their way.
9. Frustration- When you are stuck and don't see a positive way out.

And then the solution.
1. Breathe
2. Detach
3. Make an action plan.
4. Don't imagine the worse.
5. Don't confide, discuss, or support any longer.
6. Stay away unless it is absolutely necessary to communicate.
7. Find a positive out.
8. Plan to escape.
9. Attempt not to internalize
10. Do not react and make self look bad.

All easier said than done, but good words to follow. Manipulators and narcissists have no conscience. they have no sense of right or wrong. They are driven by a need to flash self and be the best in the room. They will do what ever is necessary to gain control.

Finding self in situations over and over. One asks, how do I keep finding myself here? Do I put myself here or is this a lesson I am to learn? It is disheartening though and rough on one's health and well-being to continue to go through these types of toxic situations.

The Silver Lining
It does exist. There is always an answer. A reason. A way out. The key is to try not to let the water in the vessel and to function on the fringes. Be kind and accurate and polite but get out. The misery is in the interim. Or when one already threw away a great opportunity to exit and now is feeling even more stuck. We owe nothing to anyone. We owe only the necessary niceties. If the manipulator is a loved one or boss, they will lose out as karma does throw a hard curve ball. In the meantime, buck up baby cause it does get better.

Junior High Revisited

One of the hardest parts of dealing with unfulfilled dreams is reckoning with the person who is feeling unfulfilled and then decides to make life miserable for others. They take their insecurity and anger out on the person or people who are their biggest threat.  Usually if someone is unhappy or is feeling left out, they lash out at the person they feel is the biggest threat. Or they lash out at the person who does not buy their game.  Or they name call, look for incidents, use exclusion and isolation, and generally ignore to scapegoat, while building up an army of others around them to reinforce power. In general, they become or are a bully.

So how did it work in junior high when this happened? (And as a disclaimer to junior high friends, it did not happen much thankfully). 

Bully Leader
The bully leader  who is usually a narcissist and somewhat of a bully. Their world revolves around self, promoting self, being the best, the brightest, and the center of attention. They usually will lie, cheat, or generally deceive to get what they want. When their empire is challenged, they become mean, vindictive, and generally hard to get along with.

Scapegoat
The scapegoat is the target of the bully.  This is the one who carries the brunt of the leader.  The scapegoat usually wants peace and will do what is asked. The bully uses the scapegoat as a lap dog and when they feel challenged  or rejected by the scapegoat, they retaliate and attempt to isolate the scapegoat and build a coalition elsewhere. Or they make threats.  Usually the scapegoat is well liked, easy to get along with, and presents a threat to the bully. The bully transfers all anger and frustration to the scapegoat and attempts to rationalize this as normal.

Suck It Upper
The suck it upper has leaned to get what he or she wants by going along with the leader or the person who has what they want. They lie, cajole, and generally suck up to get what they want.  Yet the reality is, the suck it upper turns on the leader in a heartbeat to get what he or she wants. When the backs are turned, they slack off, they turn loyalty to the next in line, and they play the game.

The Little General
The Little General wants power at all costs. They will go after it by becoming the hench man for the bully. They will also talk about the bully behind their back and gossip fearlessly. Not to be trusted, the Little General wants one thing only, power.

The Fringe Person
The fringe person hangs on the edge and watches. They act oblivious but watch carefully.  They enjoy the drama and participate as needed.
--------------------------------------------------

So if you watched the movie, Mean Girls, you know that the scapegoat comes clean in the end. The Bully gets blasted and the others fall by the wayside. Sometimes when living in this world, it is like a movie. Things go on all around and crazy chaos ensues, and nothing really gets done. Dealing with a Bully is likened to being in a prison camp. Many of the same feelings occur, just at a different level.

Surviving as Scapegoat
Being the scapegoat is a crazy place to be. One needs to watch one's reactions at all costs. Usually maturity brings closure. The best way to deal with a bully leader as the scapegoat is to lay low and stay on the fringes. Not ripple waves. Not cause and certainly do not fight back. That is what they want. And show no fear.  Trust in the process to get you through and then get out. Document at all costs if it is a work situation.

Know it is not personal
Know it is not personal and provide no reaction to feed into the situation. Get out as soon as possible.  Find others to build on and don't leave any footprints in the sand. Don't try to please the bully and do not be vulnerable to the bully.

Don't Second Guess Self
The posturing, the money, the big talk, the new toys, the groupies, are all a ploy to feel better and build a fake house of cards soon to fall down. Laying low and living with integrity and morals may be boring, but is real. Keep real, don't gossip, and find folks with like minds.

Consider the Source
When the nastiness or the mobbing, or the bullying comes. When the threats rise up, consider the source. When fear sets in of repercussions or the future, remain intact with integrity and ask what the worse alternative could be. Keep good notes. Know that this too will pass.

Fill it With Humor
When dealing with a Bully, make them the butt of your humor. Find ways to make fun of them that they are not aware of. Victor Frankl did this in the prison camp. Select an icon and use it as a behind the scenes way to throw barbs.

Keep Integrity
Don't throw yourself under the bus for the sake of the bully. Do not lose face. Do not try to talk it out or negotiate. Do not be vulnerable. They will take it and run with it and spread it all around. They will try to make you look bad, set up situations for rebuttal, and generally act mean. Keep calm, stay strong, and don't let it get you down. Do not blame self. It is not about you, it is about them. You have something they want and they cannot have something they want and you are the target.  Stay strong!.

Don't Play Into the Psychology
If the bully targets you, don't play. If you are the target it is because you are the threat. Relish the fact that you must be doing something good or they would not be targeting you. Don't stick around too long. Find a place where you fit and get away from them. They will not change and in their psychosis and despair will stop at nothing to break down the threat.

Take Care of Self
Be mindful. Don't try to please. No more second chances or feeling sorry for the bully. Detach. Do what is necessary and find a safe spot.  In all else, do not internalize and take care of self. Do not be vulnerable and do not react emotionally to the rejection that you will feel if you are the target.  Trust in the good.