Don't Shame Me for Speaking Up

Sometimes we are accused of being outspoken and or aggressive when we speak up.  The worst type of situation is one where we are shamed for speaking up.  Often times we find ourselves in situations where someone pushes buttons or behaves in a disloyal manner to our organization, family, or friend. Speaking out to some would be considered co dependent. And in some ways it is. Speaking out in defense of others really is getting involved in other people's business but in some ways, it is simply leadership speaking in support of those we lead.  In these cases, at times, we speak up or out. Perhaps with a terse tone or perhaps by pointing out the indiscretion. There is nothing worse than being shamed for being loyal. The only thing worse is being shamed for speaking out after we have been encouraged to do so. And then being blamed or shamed for doing so. The best alternative when being accused wrongly or being shamed for being self is to walk away and act like a grown up. But sometimes, the pain of unjust behavior and exclusion without discussion has to be worked through. Then comes the truth. It is a tactic to make one look bad for the gain of the other. Old as the hills and not good to play into.

It is Manipulation
When situations such as above occur, manipulation is in the works. Playing people against each other or acting in a passive aggressive manner in dealing with conflict is not only covert bullying it is manipulation. It is also futile effort.

No Good Acts
When in this circumstance, no action, good or bad will matter. If one has become a target of a manipulator, silenced or is being ignored, the bully pulpit is in full force and there is no recourse but to lay low. Why? No matter what one does, one will not be right. Why? Because one has become an object. An object to be pushed out of the way. No amount of trying will change the perception.

Why?
In most cases, nothing is personal. Something better has come along. Best alternative is not to internalize any feelings of rejection, injustice, or abandonment, and consider the source. The fact is clear. Anyone who hides behind other people and makes excuses to achieve the end result is living with their own agenda and there is no way to change it. Perception is in the eye of the beholder.

It Was Decided Long Ago
Finding an excuse to duck away and putting the burden of proof on another is not only manipulative, it is mean. And usually orchestrated to alleviate as much as possible the guilt of the accusing party. Not falling into the rejection mode is not easy, but can be achieved. It just takes time. And going through in some ways the stages of grief. And then getting pissed and finally letting go because it was never good enough anyway.

Courage to Speak Up When the Injustice Affects Others
Speaking up and speaking out comes at a price. One has to determine the location and setting and the end result. But speaking out is good and necessary if the end results is injustice to others. And speaking up is good. And confronting injustice and political manipulation can cause grief, but in the end, speaking out is worth the pain. It is a matter of weighing the odds and looking at the participants. For example, an  adulterer and a mistress can find a spiritual reason for maintaining the affair. They can even convince themselves that they have a mission in life bringing them together. But reality is, they are still cheating. Fighting against this type of immoral action is not worth it. Best to walk away and let karma take it. But when the relationship starts to take away from others, one can decide to speak out. Or keep quiet and know that silence is agreement.  Outing this situation will usually only result in the greased pig theory. Choosing which mountain to climb is self-preservation. Usually conflict works out in the long run.

Rationally Speaking
Speaking out or up with a terse tone is usually a result of tiredness, frustration, or a feeling of injustice. And everyone has such moments. No need to internalize or beat oneself up. The same conversation can be had in other circumstances and one is lauded as courageous and fair.  Maintaining a calm demeanor is easier when the fit is right. Cutting loses and walking away when one questions character is ok. It is someone hanging a hat on an excuse that is only that, an excuse for dislike or a desire to eradicate. Objectify.

Speaking Up
Our personalities are set when we are young. We reap what we sow. We project what we think we deserve and we settle for what we accept. Shaming another for speaking out with no opportunity for discussion is not only sneaky, it is bullying behavior grounded in passive aggressiveness. In my book, I have a tough time respecting someone who does not have the courage to confront conflict. I see them as weak> They may use the buffer zone to deflect and consider this a positive leadership trait, I see it as cowardice.