Dealing with Manipulators

Manipulators can be confusing. Worse yet, manipulators can be downright frustrating when you are the type of person who tries to live authentically. Dealing with a manipulator can liken to one feeling like a puppet. Worse yet, having a sense of loyalty to a manipulator can be the kiss of death. How do manipulators work?



1. They play games with people to get what they want which is often attention or control.
2. They lie, cheat, and back stab in order to keep control.
3. They attempt to keep control and continue their games by dropping small morsels or rewards.
4. They are demeaning and out for one person, self.
5. They are not in any way driven by a sense of moral responsibility or conscience.
6. They do what they are supposed to when someone in authority is watching and then they cut corners when no one is looking.
7. They shop around until they get the answers they want.
8. They play people to gain attention.
9.  They create situations to make people feel inadequate and not good enough.
10. They will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat.


Worse Yet is When the Manipulator is Someone You Trust (ed)
1. Your boss
2. Your best friend
3. Your lover
4. Your parent
5. Your child.

Then the stab of the manipulation becomes more difficult because there is emotion involved. And hurt. And fear. And a sense of ambiguity about the future.

And the reaction. It is tough to hold back reactions when manipulators are at work. They are a pain in the butt for one thing. For another, if you speak up you give them more ammunition to attack further. Yet, one can only hold back for so long before the pressure cooker explodes.

1. Fear- will I lose my job? Will I be written out or replaced? The manipulator likes to keep people in a constant state of doubt.
2. Anger- When I reach out to support the manipulator and they turn on me.
3. Amazement- When they do a 180 degree and try to make you look bad.
4. Anger- When they create the conflict and drama and then turn the tables to make it look like it is your battle.
5. Embarrassment- when they throw you under the bus in front of other people.
6. Hurt- When they discard you because you are of no use to them anymore.
7. Self-Doubt- When they try to make you seem like you are no longer important or worthy.
8. Anger- When they go against their word and manipulate to get their way.
9. Frustration- When you are stuck and don't see a positive way out.

And then the solution.
1. Breathe
2. Detach
3. Make an action plan.
4. Don't imagine the worse.
5. Don't confide, discuss, or support any longer.
6. Stay away unless it is absolutely necessary to communicate.
7. Find a positive out.
8. Plan to escape.
9. Attempt not to internalize
10. Do not react and make self look bad.

All easier said than done, but good words to follow. Manipulators and narcissists have no conscience. they have no sense of right or wrong. They are driven by a need to flash self and be the best in the room. They will do what ever is necessary to gain control.

Finding self in situations over and over. One asks, how do I keep finding myself here? Do I put myself here or is this a lesson I am to learn? It is disheartening though and rough on one's health and well-being to continue to go through these types of toxic situations.

The Silver Lining
It does exist. There is always an answer. A reason. A way out. The key is to try not to let the water in the vessel and to function on the fringes. Be kind and accurate and polite but get out. The misery is in the interim. Or when one already threw away a great opportunity to exit and now is feeling even more stuck. We owe nothing to anyone. We owe only the necessary niceties. If the manipulator is a loved one or boss, they will lose out as karma does throw a hard curve ball. In the meantime, buck up baby cause it does get better.

Junior High Revisited

One of the hardest parts of dealing with unfulfilled dreams is reckoning with the person who is feeling unfulfilled and then decides to make life miserable for others. They take their insecurity and anger out on the person or people who are their biggest threat.  Usually if someone is unhappy or is feeling left out, they lash out at the person they feel is the biggest threat. Or they lash out at the person who does not buy their game.  Or they name call, look for incidents, use exclusion and isolation, and generally ignore to scapegoat, while building up an army of others around them to reinforce power. In general, they become or are a bully.

So how did it work in junior high when this happened? (And as a disclaimer to junior high friends, it did not happen much thankfully). 

Bully Leader
The bully leader  who is usually a narcissist and somewhat of a bully. Their world revolves around self, promoting self, being the best, the brightest, and the center of attention. They usually will lie, cheat, or generally deceive to get what they want. When their empire is challenged, they become mean, vindictive, and generally hard to get along with.

Scapegoat
The scapegoat is the target of the bully.  This is the one who carries the brunt of the leader.  The scapegoat usually wants peace and will do what is asked. The bully uses the scapegoat as a lap dog and when they feel challenged  or rejected by the scapegoat, they retaliate and attempt to isolate the scapegoat and build a coalition elsewhere. Or they make threats.  Usually the scapegoat is well liked, easy to get along with, and presents a threat to the bully. The bully transfers all anger and frustration to the scapegoat and attempts to rationalize this as normal.

Suck It Upper
The suck it upper has leaned to get what he or she wants by going along with the leader or the person who has what they want. They lie, cajole, and generally suck up to get what they want.  Yet the reality is, the suck it upper turns on the leader in a heartbeat to get what he or she wants. When the backs are turned, they slack off, they turn loyalty to the next in line, and they play the game.

The Little General
The Little General wants power at all costs. They will go after it by becoming the hench man for the bully. They will also talk about the bully behind their back and gossip fearlessly. Not to be trusted, the Little General wants one thing only, power.

The Fringe Person
The fringe person hangs on the edge and watches. They act oblivious but watch carefully.  They enjoy the drama and participate as needed.
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So if you watched the movie, Mean Girls, you know that the scapegoat comes clean in the end. The Bully gets blasted and the others fall by the wayside. Sometimes when living in this world, it is like a movie. Things go on all around and crazy chaos ensues, and nothing really gets done. Dealing with a Bully is likened to being in a prison camp. Many of the same feelings occur, just at a different level.

Surviving as Scapegoat
Being the scapegoat is a crazy place to be. One needs to watch one's reactions at all costs. Usually maturity brings closure. The best way to deal with a bully leader as the scapegoat is to lay low and stay on the fringes. Not ripple waves. Not cause and certainly do not fight back. That is what they want. And show no fear.  Trust in the process to get you through and then get out. Document at all costs if it is a work situation.

Know it is not personal
Know it is not personal and provide no reaction to feed into the situation. Get out as soon as possible.  Find others to build on and don't leave any footprints in the sand. Don't try to please the bully and do not be vulnerable to the bully.

Don't Second Guess Self
The posturing, the money, the big talk, the new toys, the groupies, are all a ploy to feel better and build a fake house of cards soon to fall down. Laying low and living with integrity and morals may be boring, but is real. Keep real, don't gossip, and find folks with like minds.

Consider the Source
When the nastiness or the mobbing, or the bullying comes. When the threats rise up, consider the source. When fear sets in of repercussions or the future, remain intact with integrity and ask what the worse alternative could be. Keep good notes. Know that this too will pass.

Fill it With Humor
When dealing with a Bully, make them the butt of your humor. Find ways to make fun of them that they are not aware of. Victor Frankl did this in the prison camp. Select an icon and use it as a behind the scenes way to throw barbs.

Keep Integrity
Don't throw yourself under the bus for the sake of the bully. Do not lose face. Do not try to talk it out or negotiate. Do not be vulnerable. They will take it and run with it and spread it all around. They will try to make you look bad, set up situations for rebuttal, and generally act mean. Keep calm, stay strong, and don't let it get you down. Do not blame self. It is not about you, it is about them. You have something they want and they cannot have something they want and you are the target.  Stay strong!.

Don't Play Into the Psychology
If the bully targets you, don't play. If you are the target it is because you are the threat. Relish the fact that you must be doing something good or they would not be targeting you. Don't stick around too long. Find a place where you fit and get away from them. They will not change and in their psychosis and despair will stop at nothing to break down the threat.

Take Care of Self
Be mindful. Don't try to please. No more second chances or feeling sorry for the bully. Detach. Do what is necessary and find a safe spot.  In all else, do not internalize and take care of self. Do not be vulnerable and do not react emotionally to the rejection that you will feel if you are the target.  Trust in the good.

Best Laid Plans

Steinbeck wrote the book,  Of Mice and Men and thus coined the phrase, best laid plans of mice and men. Everyone has their own best laid plans. They have to do with family, attention, culture, and filling the spirit whole.

Recently I reached out to others to discover their "best laid plans". Most had to do with goals for the future, having a place to come home to, health, heart, and personal growth. Altruism. Reaching out.  They looked like this:

1. Live in a world with like minded people.
2. Avoid being a workaholic.
3. Find a passion and teach it to others.
4. Work in a way that makes a difference.
5. Frame success based on respect and value.
6. Set strict and relevant daily goals.
7. Stay mindful.
8. Give gratitude.
9. Feed the mind, the body, and the soul daily.
10. Find a happy spot.
11. Hang out with people who respect you.
12. Give as one would take.

Best laid plans change with age. The best laid plans of a 30 year old are different than those of a 40 year old and on up the ladder. Somehow reaching 50 makes a difference. One begins to think less of impressing for personal gain and more of giving for others.  And in the process, one looks to relaxing in self.

Best laid plans are subject to change. This is the hard knock lesson. When one thinks one is invaluable, when one makes decisions based on breaking down instead of building up. Plans change. It is the school of hard knocks. Suddenly one learns that to really be, one has to be kinder, more gentle. Empathetic and understanding. No one likes a bully. When the need to control and overtake becomes stronger than the need to grow and do good, best laid plans go awry.

Best laid plans are multi-faceted and can be diverted by learned helplessness. The common needs:
to grow, to set new goals, to feed the mind and soul everyday, to reach out to others, to save and give back, to take care of self, to inspire, to create. These can go by the wayside if one falls into a pattern of learned helplessness.

Best laid plans will divert the learned helplessness. Having a set schedule. Having a routine. Being mindful. Making each day succinct from the others. Not getting caught in the blob of life without mindful attempts to make each day special. Giving up and giving in. Being a part of the solution and not a part of the problem. Holding oneself to high moral standards.

Best laid plans will encourage health, growth, and soul feeding
People find what they need to make the growth work. This is best laid plans. And it is not easy. It is a deliberate, daily routine grounded in faith.

Best laid plans can change the path
People look for a chance to make a difference. What is it that really motivates the soul? Those are life questions one seems to ask after 50.  Have I moved from a place of giving and teaching and feeding others to a place of pushing paper and fulfilling deadlines? Have I moved from an independent and autonomous free spirit to an executive controlled by deadlines, team building, and chaos? Have I kept or lost the initial drive to reach out and help others? To make every day the best day on earth for the people around me?

Best laid plans have a bottom line
Do I live within my means? Do I have a plan? Are my goals aligned with my potential? Have I become a slave to the high cost of living? Will I become a bag lady (Bag lady syndrome hits after 50).

Best laid plans are generational
Am I meeting the goals set for me by those I look up to? Have I lived to the potential of the people that inspired me? Grew me? Am I keeping a check on my areas of hubris and weakness everyday?  Am I keeping the spiritual goals that were grounded in me early in my life? Do I remember what has enabled me to thrive in times of adversity or pain?

Best laid plans are wake up calls
The best laid wake up call is to reconnect. Reflect.  Am I doing what i planned for myself at this point in my life? What goals do I need to make to keep thriving? Who do I need in my life to feed my soul and my interests? Where did I compromise or fall short? Who did I hurt along the way? Was I justified or am i justifying?

Best laid plans go to the heart
Where is the one that got away? Where does my heart go back to when I think of home? Who are the people who make the most difference for me? How have I handled the losses? Am I holding on to something that is not real and when will I go back or forward or sideways to reframe?

Best laid plans change with grief
Best laid plans come when one can let go of the fear of tomorrow that comes with the constant fear of losing loved ones or one's foothold. Grief and loss can wreak chaos on the soul. Early loss creates crucibles which define one's stature and demeanor. And then when the losses of mid life become more, the snowball can get bigger as it goes down the mountain and the losses add up.  Grief is a natural part of living, yet when the grief becomes too much, something gives. It is the grieving of the person who one was when life was in its prime. It is the grieving of the loss of being the child, the coddled, and the special one when one has to become the strong one, the orphan, the parentless. And it is scary.

Best laid plans are not grounded in duty 

Sitting apart from duty enables one to be creative and let the juices flow. Making mountains of work out of simple tasks is the job of someone who has too much time on their hands. Perfectionism will cause this also. Duty is negative. Moving above duty means finding a happy spot and involving others in the process. Being kind. Having fun. Letting go. Life is too short.

Best laid plans are formed in the car or on the treadmill
Best laid plans come with time for flow. Listening to music in the car or on the treadmill can only up one's game. It is the time for flow. For reflection. For growth.

Best laid plans are not grounded in fear
Did I mention this twice? If so, only because this is so important. Fear paralyzes. Fear is based on shame and old baggage. Healthy fear can protect one from a burglar or a ferocious lion. Paralyzing fear grounded in shame and baggage can only inhibit growth of plans. The antithesis of fear is faith. Faith and childlike wonder enable one to keep going. To look for other avenues for success. To keep a solid line.

Best laid plans enable the good
Best laid plans enable the good. Even when one is in a situation where abuse or control are paramount, best laid plans enable the good. It is the good heart and the good soul, and the positive that can overshoot the negative. It is the ability to reach out and find one's inner core, spiritual center, place of happiness, that enables one to enable the good and overcome the negative. It is the hope and faith of a new beginning, a new book, a new friend, a new movie. It is respecting the foundation and then moving to new adventures.

Best laid plans enable us to wiggle out from under abuse without getting hurt
Best laid plans allow us to maintain a low profile and quietly enjoy life when abusers try to take over. Best laid plans provide a respite and a core foundation grounded in faith and reverence and connection. Best laid plans require us to have composure in the face of needling or subversive actions from those we look to for care. Best laid plans help us find a quiet out for the chaos.

Best laid plans help us to remember to make each day a new day

So many things are on the horizon. Presidential Election. Profiling. Hamilton. The upcoming holidays.  So many books to read and places to go. People who need support. People who want mentoring. People who provide fun. Our best laid plans hold us accountable and responsible for the health and well being of self and others. The rest is an exercise in making each day a new day and a better day. 

When making plans

• Move to a happier place.
• Keep a nice everyday journal
• Clean up, spruce up and declutter.
• Practice positive self care.
• Put people before paper.
• Check in every day.
• Write a to do list for books to read, movies to watch, and classes to take.
• Find that inner zen spot and give to others.
• Identify patterns of learned helplessness and overcome those with faith and connection.
• Know that in all things God is good. 
  
  
  
  

Top 365: Endurance

Today I reflect on two things, moving on and people who try to hold others back.

Moving On
Moving on means continually growing and letting go of the past. In order to move on, one must find a replacement for the old and move into the new. Moving on means not burying the past, but regarding it as a sand in time and then moving into the future. Moving on means growth. It means that today I am one step closer to being better than I was yesterday. It means that I have a responsibility to give back and daily renew to make life better for myself and others. Moving on means that I cannot be tied to old habits, patterns, and beliefs that have prevented me from being the best I can be. It means that with gain there is pain and that I have to confront and tackle the challenges ahead.

I wrote a dissertation. It was a test of endurance. It was an accomplishment. It is mine. I birthed it and I nurtured it and I am proud of it. It was tough at times but instills in me a deep sense of pride. Yet, I cannot let my accomplishment be my foundation for success. For I must move on. Set new goals. Achieve new milestones. Look for new opportunity to grow. And I must allow those I lead to have the same opportunity.

People Who Hold Others Back
I can become instantly frustrated when I encounter someone who tries to hold me back from growth. I try to be judicial in my requests to grow and not approach anything from a sense of entitlement. I also try to never be a person who holds others back. I supervise people. They have needs. If my area of responsibility is to grow, it will only happen if I let others grow. When I find myself trying to hold back another and be controlling, I step back and reflect. Because usually when I do this it is because I am feeling threatened or insecure myself and am trying to control. Or I am jealous of that person. Then I know it is time for me to step back and take a break. I also cognitively know that this mindset will inhibit growth and productivity, yet that little girl in me is stomping her foot. This is where emotional intelligence is necessary to overcome the tendency to control and stymy others and let go. For deep inside I know there is plenty for everyone and we reap what we sow. If we hold others back, someone will hold us back. It is karma at its best. It is just sometimes hard to get there.

So moving on and holding back are two concepts that closely intermingle. And what is the one who is holding me back is myself? Oh, that can be even worse for then I become my own worst enemy. Then I have to compete with myself and feel threatened by myself and then overcome myself. That is willpower. That is self-discipline. That is maturity. That is my challenge.

So, in taking care of self day two, the challenge is not to hold myself back but to move on and be the best I can be. Encourage myself. Empower myself, and make a difference.

Dirty Dancing

A friend shared this post recently and I am passing on as it seems to resonate with many people.....


"There is a line in dirty dancing where the dad speaks to Johnny at the end and says something like, "I know when  I have been wrong and I know to admit it." Well that is me this week. I have a co worker who is getting on my last nerve. And I treated them unfairly and unkindly.

How does this fit into my Top 365? Well, there is a personality type that drives me totally crazy. I know this is a trigger and this week I let it get the best of me. The personality is a person who has a heightened attitude toward themselves with no basis for the reality. They are scrappers who usually have come from a place of having to fight to survive as children and they carry it into adulthood. They lie, cheat, and put on airs to be something they are not. They are callous and cold and conniving and usually I really learn to dislike them when I cannot get them to come around to an inclusive way of being. I have found that usually the root conflict is the fact that they are intimidated by me because they know I can see through their false sense of superiority. And usually that is the case because unfortunately their sense of self comes from a place of deep hurt. They reject me and I feel rejected and then the circle begins.

Why can't I let empathy take over and feel a sense of compassion for them? Because they are so hard core and non pliable that I cannot connect to them. They talk down and they are disrespectful and act superior. I don't have a problem with people superior to me in position or intellect or skill. I do have a problem with people who come on with this attitude with no basis for their arrogance.

I don't know what the answer is. I have fought this nemesis for years. It makes me not trust and want to lash out at their rude and abrasive attitude. That usually gets me in trouble. So this week I did just that. I lashed back. This one in particular had a colleague in tow. When I confronted the behavior and asked for it to stop, this one let me know that she would not be able to do so. That angered me more because then not only was she arrogant, she was not willing to respect my boundary. So I retaliated with a nasty comment and then I gave away my power, and calm, and zen and lost all of my boundaries. And I was unkind to boot.

What i just realized in this entire story is that she is not willing to respect me. She is not willing to accept my need for a boundary. She has real issues with boundaries. And she talks all of the time. Non stop and to no one in particular. I don't listen. I can see through the BS. Some people listen which really amazes me. I see the fakeness and the lack of work or follow through. The laziness, the attitude of doing what she has to do to look good and when the right people are watching. And the bragging. Pontificating about her experience and her scrappiness. I feel a sense of rage at times that someone can be so transparent and rude and people let it happen.

Then I tell myself that Karma will take over. But this week I misdirected Karma. I engaged. I put myself at her level. And I am really mad at myself that I did this. Esp cause it was at work, And I would like to say that it is over and I wont do so again, but I don't know that I can promise that. Yet I have to.

So how to handle this. I know the trigger. I have seen it a lot in the past five years. People from dysfunctional backgrounds who feel a need to prove themselves and do so by displaying an arrogance and sense of entitlement with no basis or no need because if they would just relax and be themselves, things would fall into place. I don't know what to do. I try to ignore. I try to fight back.  Then I revert to a Jr high person.

So what is the reality? I experienced some real bullying at work from a boss who had these traits. He came in and was very intimidated by my power and my strength and position. He could not handle this to the point that he manipulated situations to make me look bad in order to move me out. He was an ass. A royal ass to be exact. He hurt me deep and the pain is what triggers these reactions When I meet someone with this personality type, I go hyper vigilant. I was treated unfairly and unjustly and I am carrying the scars from this. That is the trigger.  I don't carry this as a victim anymore, but it is apart of my reality. It is the pain and the frustration. For this dickhead, it was trying to please him and knowing that no matter what, he was going to make me be gone eventually. It was knowing that this had nothing to do with my integrity or my job performance, but had everything to do with my strength and my layer of influence. People like this are toxic. They hurt others to get what they want. They have no scruples or moral fiber. They base their arrogance on a false sense of self with no grounding. They are not builders. They do not reach across the aisle. They use people to get what they want. They destroy others for their own ego. That is why I have a tough time with this personality type. I used to be able to get an attitude and role with it, but this one made a scar. Now I have to check my outlaw emotions when the trigger occurs. If this is the worst that I ever do, I know it is ok, but I don't like to go to the point of being unkind.

Usually I go low when I encounter someone like this. But after a few incidents of dealing with this, I have acquired a habit of lashing back. And it usually gets me in trouble. But this time I am going to feel no guilt or shame for fighting back. And I am not going to question my perception or decision because it is right. And I am not going to compromise myself to get along with this person. I am not going to allow my buttons to be pushed and I am going to take the high road to prove to myself that I can. And I know I will win. Because I have the grace of God behind me to make me strong and do the right thing. And I will be kind because in the end that is the right thing to do.

Ugly people can also be good people. I see the good sides of all of these folks. They have families and seem to have people in their lives who love them. Yet they come to work priding themselves on being a barracuda.  Deep down I feel sorry for them. tAnd what I know is that karma bites you in the butt when pride takes over. Because prides does come before a downfall. That is what i need to remember. And I also need to remember that the monster I may make them out to be is really a wounded person trying to survive. And I must ignite their sense of insecurity for them to want me out of the way. Or that in reality, that is it. I am in the way of their path. I don't do well with moving out of the way if the path I am on is my own. Then again, I know that the greased pig theory does prevail and that trying to fight with the pig gets me dirty and the pig runs away. So sometimes I do step aside and let them have their way. Yet it does not usually work with this personality because they have not learned to do the dance.  They cannot get to a place of compromise and collaboration. They only want to win. And sometimes, just sometimes the best course of action is to just fight back and take the consequences.

I cannot end this post because I am genuinely befuddled on how not to engage with this type of person. I guess just go low. Do my work. Stay out of the way, and not react. Usually i end with some catchy thought so here it goes. I know that I cannot control everyone and always be the alpha. I have the sense to avoid pissing people off who might make my life hell later because they want me out of the way. I have no trust for these folks. I don't like them and I wish I did not have them in my life. But I do because God is giving me a test to see if I can embrace them and work with them. Or learn to co exist at least. At least not lash out at them. I also know that I cannot lash out again or I have become the problem.

So I will focus on the positive. Try not to ruminate on it, and pray for strength to endure this my nemesis in life.  I cannot give away my peace, my kindness, or my power and I can ask God daily to heal this emotional barrier i have in my life."

For Curtis

Time brings joy and sorrows. Today we lost our friend and classmate.  The feelings we as classmates and friends experience cannot begin to reach the feelings the family is experiencing at this time and may God's peace be with them.

So many memories we have of our times growing up, going to college, reconvening for weddings and reunions. Fun in classes with Oldfield and Heinzmann. Basketball, baseball, wrestling. Parties on the week ends at Johnny Bob's.  The classmates we have lost. The fire in Charleston.  Moving all of the basketball team players cars during practice to the swimming pool parking lot. (Because everyone left their keys in their cars). Poems, stories, songs. Jay's on vacations. Mattoon, Eastern.

The graduation party at Diekroger's. Mr. Snyder. Prom, Homecomings. Cruising Vandalia. Rohlfing's bridge. Growing up. Reunions at the Country Club, the Shrine Club.  Parties at Brenda's house. Bicentennial Homecoming float. Football and wrestling champs of 1975. Mr. Wells. Ship Captain Crew on college vacations.

All of our lives went in different directions and everyone kept  in touch as they did. Those memories are for individuals.Yet in the heart of it all. For all of us who graduated in 1976 and the years before and after, there is a closeness. A feeling of safety and security and relationships that has extended for almost forty years. This root runs deep and each of us experience it in our own way.

For those reading who were a part of those years, we have all progressed in our lives. We are facing or have faced the loss of parents. We have lost classmates. We are in our middle years and thinking of the impact we are making in the world. We are living life to its fullest. We are living our bucket lists. Facebook has allowed to keep in touch and reconnect.   Yet for today we are thinking of our friend. His smile, his leadership, his character, his sense of humor, his family.

Put on some red and white, say a prayer in the way you say it the best, and hug your loved ones tight. Blessings and love to the Mabry family and to you Curtis for everything you are to us.

Yesterday I Bought a Fit Bit

Yesterday I bought a Fit Bit. I am so excited to begin this new adventure in tracking and researching how to get fit via a Fit Bit. That is the psychological approach I am using to convince myself that I can begin to resume the fitness routines of my 30's and apply them in my 50's.

Ode to the days of the YMCA in Vandalia and Lynn's step aerobic class. This class was so much fun. Good workout. Fun people. A great way to get fit and also enjoy the music and the people. After I left Vandalia it was never quite the same. History showed an aligned program with Jazzercise and me for a long period of time. Then came the days of administration and time was crazy. And so exercise ran by the wayside. And then the onset of the M word,,, yep... menopause and the stagnant, too tired, effects of not exercising and the body going bonkers.

Job changes. Moves. Meeting the needs of living in California with the highest cost of living in the US sans New York and fulfilling one's dream. Let me see. What were my other excuses? Dissertation. Long commute. Crazy politics at work. Relocating. And that is the truth. We all know the drill. The only one responsible for my success is me. And of course God. But I know that God wants me to be fit so I have to take him out of the equation.

I have a gym membership, belong to WW online, and have no excuse not to follow a plan. I live across the street from the San Francisco Bay and I have a walking and biking path in my front yard. I no longer have a commute. I have flexibility in my job, and I am looking to move to a place that is more economical. I have NO excuse left.

Ha. Recovery literature tells us that we come to our greatest growth when we can stop making excuses, looking outward for blame, and are left with ourselves. And I say this lightly. I am glad I am here. The stress is gone. I have the time and the resources to pursue growth. A new phase. Intellectually. I can retire in five years if I want. I don't plan to do so, but I have the option. I can go back to school and obtain a certificate as an addictions counselor. I can go back to school and obtain a certificate in special education administration. I can go back to school and obtain a certificate in HR administration. I can go back to school and obtain a degree in Applied Behavior Analysis.

I still have my mom. I have my health. I have a good job. I have a happy family. I have reconnected with the relationships of my past. I have no excuses. I can go to San Francisco and see every Broadway musical I wish to see. I can write my blogs everyday. I know that pride comes before a downfall so I know to count my blessings and not get too big for my britches. I have a support system. I know that to effect change one needs to step out and I know that to do so appropriately one needs to follow the Chain of Command and build a team. I know resilience and trust and failure and the pain of putting oneself in a place where one does not belong.

So, now I must do the work necessary to establish an exercise routine that is balanced. And to maintain the pieces of the pie that I have taught to kids for years: spiritual, emotional, physical, mental, financial, and social goals. And to give. It is about giving. Giving to others and reaching out to support, not control.

So my Fit Bit is my reminder, on my wrist everyday of the blessings I can encounter and the blessings I have. My reminder to slow down, be empathetic, listen, understand, and reach out to others. To give back. To be creative. To never take people, time, or blessings for granted.  To know that in a minute things can change and I need to always appreciate and show appreciation. Not out of fear but because of what has been granted to me. To learn to trust that all things come as God directs and that we always end up on our feet if we have faith. Or if you have another Deity then to apply the faith concept there. It is about faith and giving back to others. Not resting on our laurels but doing what we do to help make life better for others.

Who would of thought that the 99.00 purchase can be such a life changer? But it is.