Healthy by 60 October 14, 2018

Getting ready to turn 60. Oh boy. Big decisions.

1. Stay young.
2. Continue growing mentally.
3. Physical health.
4. Keep giving.
5. Look for ways to make a difference.
6. Find inner peace financially.
7. Keeping youthful through friendships.
8. Positive thinking
9. Spiritual growth and commitment.
10. Energy. Growth


Teach at the college and write and travel
OR
Go for the big bucks for a few more years.

Bay Area or elsewhere.

Keeping the focus on the movies, plays, and musicals.

Find some over 60 friends to go to the theatre with.

Staying out of the rabbit hole.

Nice everyday.

Keeping it all together. Out with the old and in with the new.

Moving On

So there is a lot to be said in life for moving on.

Moving on means I am ready to tackle the future with both barrels loaded . (If you are John Wayne)

Moving on means I am ready to let go of the past and all of the messiness and build a new tomorrow.

Moving on means I am not going to let the craziness of the past creep up on my new tomorrows.

Moving on means I have grown, I have matured, and I have found a new place in myself that is confident, ready to go, and looking ahead and not back.

Moving on means I am mentally, physically, and emotionally ready to face the challenge of self discipline.

Moving on means I will no longer compromise my values, my thoughts, or my talents through mindless chatter.

Moving on means I will focus on the safe and real and not the toxic and disruptive.

Moving on means I will not allow the challenges of jealousy, ambition, fake confidence and posturing get in the way of maturity and professionalism.

Moving on means I will no longer be controlled by sexual harassment in the work place.

Moving on means I will no longer be a slave to negative intentions.

Moving on means I will trust my intuition, my experience, and my faith to put me in the right place at the right time.

Moving on means I will not compromise myself or my safety.

Moving on means I will surround myself with safe people, safe activities, and maturity.

Moving on means I will no longer let the manipulation of the past control my future.

Moving on means i am smart, strong, and self disciplined.

Moving on means I have total responsibility for myself.

Moving on means I am ready to start today to clean up the clutter, let go of the past, and look to a new tomorrow.

Moving on means I build by what I give.

Moving on means I am real and OK with real and need no false pretenses to make me feel better than.

Moving on means I am content with myself and where i am in life today for today.

Moving on means I take what is best from the past and add it to the future.

August: The Magic Of Grief

Welcome to almost August. August brings the dog days of summer. The onset of a new school year. Reflections on the future and goals for a new school year. August also brings for a time to reflect on the loss that lasts forever- the early loss of a parent. The narrative never changes. The feelings run deep and the only way out of a loss is to find a place to funnel the pain that benefits others. August brings the magic of grief.

August 1974
It was a day in August, 1974. I was fifteen, my brother was thirteen, my sister five. We lived in a small town in Illinois. I was going through those adolescent crazies... you know... rebellion... friends are more important than family... let me rebel because I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Little did I know that I would carry this with me for many years to come.

I flipped burgers at a fast food place in town. So did my best friend. It was close to five and my time to go to work. We lived in the country. I hated the country. My Dad was a milkman, worked long hours in a town far away, and on his days off, helped his friend Willard with construction. On this particular day, I was at my friend Kristy's house hanging out until time to go to work. My Dad was working right down the block.

I walked over to work and got started. My brother came in a few minutes later and I told him he was supposed to go over and ride home with Dad. He came back a later and I was always the big sister, "Why did you not go and ride home with Dad?". His reply, "Dad is sick". I freaked out. "Dad is sick. What do you mean? We need to call mom."

And In An Instance
Little did I know that Dad had died. That my good, loving brother found my Dad, fallen over in the seat of his truck, seemingly reaching for his pipe, and that at 46, my Dad had had a heart attack. Not only did my brother find my Dad, he watched as the ambulance came, they tried to resuscitate, and pronounced him dead.

What began next was kind of a blur. The phone rang at Reaban's. Barb was a lady I worked with and she told us she needed to take us to the hospital. I walked by my friend Jerri and she had her head down on the counter. They knew he was gone. Chris knew he was gone. I did not.

After this is it all a blur. Going to the hospital. The preacher and the doctor telling us. I can only remember saying to my brother, 'What will happen to us now?" The next few days are not too planted in my mind. The funeral. All the people in our town who came out to help my Mom. My aunt flying home.

I remember a few things:

• My grandma seeing his spirit walk through the house after the funeral as if to say good bye. 
• My little sister started kindergarten a few days later and we laugh now about her being let off by the bus in the country and my Mom did not know school had let out early. My sister walked up the hill, crossed the highway and back down to our house.
• Mine and my brothers friends came to the funeral.
• School started in a few weeks and it was a blur. 
• My brother scored a touchdown in his first football game of the season.
• I lost my cool in English class with Oldfield which was my first outward expression of the grief.
• And life was never the same.

  Grief is a Blur

Grief came as a trial and error process.  I turned to my friends and my job. My brother his friends and sports. My mom trying to keep up all together. My sister grew up with a life totally different than ours with little memory of our dad.   My brother, my mom, and sister became a unit. I detached and looked outward. All be it, soon to be sixteen, you grieve as at teenager in the best way possible. You turn to those who understand and you cling to those who make you feel safe.

When you are fifteen or thirteen or even five, you assume your life as you know it will go on forever. You are a family. You show good times and you show bad times. Adolescents between the ages of 9-15 can be quite precocious.. Challenge what cannot be handled through relationships with parents. In 1974, Dads went to work. Moms stayed home or worked and kept track of things. Church was a given. Also central were aunts and uncles and friends of the family. A small Midwestern town where everyone knew everyone. 

When a parent dies, all of the family baggage comes to visit. Family of origin roles continue to  emerge and play out. People react with learned mechanisms. Comfort comes in the way of trial and error. You long for those safe days again when life was simple because after a parent dies when you are a teenager, life is no longer simple. You question God. You question your remaining parent. You feel guilty and internalize the guilt. You blame yourself. 

Process

You process. You mature. You find a place to put it. You act out to avoid thinking. You learn to value family. You feel fear that you will lose the other parent. You find substitute parents to take over. You become very attached to taking care of the people who are left. You can no longer be free and a kid. You learn responsibility. 

That is OK. It makes you a stronger adult. You learn to funnel the grief to keep the good parts of the person you lost alive in your day by day actions. You stumble. You fall. You either hold it in and it oozes out or you find safe places to process. You hold yourself to super vigilante expectations of self and you are harder on yourself than anyone else perhaps because you somehow feel you deserve the pain.

You go wild. You rebel. You are angry and hurt and you take it out on whatever or whoever you can and still remain a functioning adult. The relationship with the remaining parent can be a source of strength or pain. It depends on the dynamic before the death. You learn to be a survivor and yes carry a bit of self pity which is really not pity at all, but a wounded spirit. You learn to do it alone. You fear being vulnerable because the flood waters of emotion will take over. You choose who you let in. 

You realize that as you age as an adult of 40, 50, or 60, that there are people who still have both parents. You know that they don't get it. The loss that is forever when it comes as a teenager influences an entire lifetime. And you get angry when people minimize or tell you to get over it. Or you become stoic and hold it in because the pain has become a part of you and you have to be strong.  Or you mature as a parent yourself and find something bigger than your grief to live for. Kids should not have to go through that kind of pain but then we have no control over our destiny.  And everything does happen for a reason. God gives us what we can handle because He has a purpose for us to carry out. Sometimes we have to buck up buttercup to get there. And sometimes we have to learn self-care and ease up on ourselves because we push too hard.

Life Is Never the Same

You watch TV shows about families and you know you have lost a part of your own. You carry the guilt that if not processed, becomes  a sense of shame. You memorialize the person. They become stuck in time. You learn that faith gets you through. No matter what. Faith and God will get you through. You believe it and as you become an adult, you wish the person back. You have to deal with it, either as a family when it happens or later when the grief sweeps out. Sensitive and emotional events bring forth the feelings. For some, the wall goes up and survivor instinct becomes a way of life and you let few people in.  Once a rebel always a rebel. 

August

So what does August bring for me? Some years nothing. Some years a flood of emotions that come back like a snowball. As an educator, August is a new beginning. As a daughter, August was an ending. And with memories of the loss of my Dad, come now the memories of the others who were quasi parents who have also passed on. When August comes, I take time to reflect on the good. The good people. The goodness of God. Yet, that sweet moment of silence in the dog days of summer  when for my family our lives changed forever will always bring a moment of regret for the life not fully lived, the words not fully spoken, and the safety that was taken away. 

Yet...There is Always September and October and November and December

The first year is the toughest. The first Christmas. The first birthday. The first anniversary of the death. We have a fundamental responsibility in our lives to be kind and caring to others and to love our neighbors as ourselves. We find the goodness. We reach out to others. We may not categorize it or theorize it, but we take the early trauma and we become good adults with good intentions and a good heart. 

Others

Then we find ways to reach out to others who are going through the same types of loss and  give them support. We look for ways to keep the good alive and we learn as we become older to work through it either with our own kids or others. We welcome time with our family and we hold them close. We learn to use it as a teachable moment. We become strong in the broken places. It never goes away but we find a place for it.  That is the magic of grief. 

Vamping Every Day

Revamp.. recharge.. refine... It is all a fine way to do better, be better, get better. So what does it take to change an image? upgrade one's skill level? reach out for new things?


Vision: For me a vision of how to dress more casually, yet professionally so I don't overwhelm others but sill look the part.

Exercise: Energy and vitality come from exercise. Exercising enables a youthful spirit and a carefree attitude. Let it go let it go let it go.

New Make Up- Always good to reach out and buy some new eye liners or shadows. Visit the make up counter at Nordstrom's and find some new things.

A visit to the tanning salon cannot hurt once in awhile. ouch...

Straighten the hair.

Spiritual recharge- listen to uplifting messages for the commute.

Group spirit- list to my favorite support group for the commute.

Journal- Everyday in every way how are you getting better?

Clear the clutter

Drink a lot of water

Dye the hair.

Bye bye meat and fast food

Hello fine conversations.

Women on the Rise- Less couch time and more outdoor time.

Can you really get 10,000 steps a day?

Write down the food.

Have fun and don't take things too seriously. Be an adult with childlike wonder.

Keeping something nice everyday!!! 

Faith

Easter is upon us and soon Palm Sunday will occur. Whether people follow Christianity or another religion, faith is essential. I am listening to Dr. Norman Vincent Peale's Power of Positive Thinking, a classic, grounded in best practises for individual excellence and revival. Taking his premises and infusing life experiences, one can re imagine faith.

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What is Faith?

1. Belief in a Power greater than oneself to guide outcomes.
2. The ability to let go of worry and fear and trust that outcomes will be the best for The Big Plan.

Building Faith

1. Faith is inherent and embedded in one's soul.
2  Faith, like any good character trait, needs to be continually fed and refined.
3. This refinement comes in the form of validation, education, and positive relationships.

When Faith Falters

1. Faith falters when hearts are broken.
2. Faith falters when negative acts shake the soul.
3. Faith falters when fatigue sets in.
4. Faith falters with disillusionment.
5. Faith falters when guilt takes over.

HALT: Are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired?

Faith and Apathy

1. Faith is not lack of action. Faith is persevering every day to pursue excellence and knowing that one's outcomes will be as affirmed and planned.
2. Faith can override apathy. Having faith and disconnecting can overcome a sense of apathy.

Faith and Anger

1. Bad things happen to good people. And good people get angry when bad things happen.
2. Funneling anger in appropriate ways is a matter of faith. Anger is inevitable. Funneling anger appropriately is maturity.
3. Strong faith enables one to take the high road and funnel anger appropriately.

We have a fundamental responsibility to treat people with respect and build up others. 

Faith and Joy

1. Faith enables one to live with joy.
2. Faith is a belief in the common good.
3. Faith is knowing that life is ok.

4. Joy is a sense of being and can be held good or bad times.
5. Faith is finding a sense of peace through right living and positive activity.
6. Faith grows in one's safe place.

Faith and Time

1. When one questions faith, time is needed to restore. This means unplugging and reflecting on the good in one's life.
2. Faith and practises to ignite and express one's faith should be consistent and timely.
3. When one has sporadic faith, reality will come to visit and one must regroup and revisit.

Faith is Stronger than Evil

1. Strength is the word.
2. Faith and strength is quiet and private and strategic.
2. Faith and strength is not being a victim.
3. Faith and strength is not fixing blame and working through one's negativity.

Lack of Faith?

1. If one cannot find faith, self analysis is needed?
2. What is hindering a sense of faith?

3. Are we living within God's plan and timing? (Usually when faith falters, one is out of sync with the Big Plan).
4 How can one get back in the lane?

Faith and People or They Get on My Last Nerve

1. There are petty people.
2. There are people who are parasites who thrive only on the coattails of others and put on an appearance of quality but when no one is looking, have a full lack of integrity.
3. There are good people who have good will as a framework.
4. There are people who are totally oblivious to their own dysfunction.

5. There are people who use ambition to break others.
6. There are people who are morally deformed and manipulative.
7. Sometimes these people seem to thrive for a season.
8. Faith means being able to rise above with a good heart.
9. Faith is asking God to reveal one's own faults and focusing on self-improvement rather than pointing out faults in others.
10. Faith is having the strength to do #9.

What Do We Know?

1. Pride comes before a downfall.
2. Intuition is a good teacher.
3. Teflon allows things to slide off and not stick.
4. People who talk the loudest and pontificate the most are the ones who have the most to lose.
5. Karma will take it.
6. Faith is believing the the good, sharing the good, and staying on three.
7. Faith is the ability not to lash back when one wants to lash back.
8. Faith is the ability to stay quiet and let God take the reigns.
9. What goes up must come down.

Some Famous Verses Paraphrased

1. Pluck the wood out of one's own eye before the speck in another.
2. Go ye therefore and teach all nations.
3. Pride comes before a downfall.
4. The early bird catches the worm.
5   Believe in the good things I have planned for you. Plans to help and not harm.
6. Faith is like the mustard seed.
7. Karma comes out in the night.

Faith is soul soothing and strong. Faith is a combination of trust and ability. Peale says when one becomes stale, it is time to take a faith adventure. Regardless of one's religious affiliation, faith is fundamental.

We have to take care of ourselves mentally, physically, socially and emotionally, and financially to best live in faith. We have to step out and let God take the best of us and use it to the best of others. We cannot hide. We cannot control. We cannot strive if we are set on breaking down others. We cannot be weak, but we have to let go of the negative and focus on the good. Isolation inhibits faith. Faith grows in private and is reaffirmed in community.

We can always go home. We continually recycle.  When we stop growing we become stagnant and negative. Always reaffirm. That is the pleasure in faith. 

Stress is trying to be too strong for too long. When faith falters, it is a message to reflect and re evaluate. We think we have a plan but the best laid plans of mice and men are only a plan. Faith is the ability to look new and spread joy in the process.

Don't Shame Me for Speaking Up

Sometimes we are accused of being outspoken and or aggressive when we speak up.  The worst type of situation is one where we are shamed for speaking up.  Often times we find ourselves in situations where someone pushes buttons or behaves in a disloyal manner to our organization, family, or friend. Speaking out to some would be considered co dependent. And in some ways it is. Speaking out in defense of others really is getting involved in other people's business but in some ways, it is simply leadership speaking in support of those we lead.  In these cases, at times, we speak up or out. Perhaps with a terse tone or perhaps by pointing out the indiscretion. There is nothing worse than being shamed for being loyal. The only thing worse is being shamed for speaking out after we have been encouraged to do so. And then being blamed or shamed for doing so. The best alternative when being accused wrongly or being shamed for being self is to walk away and act like a grown up. But sometimes, the pain of unjust behavior and exclusion without discussion has to be worked through. Then comes the truth. It is a tactic to make one look bad for the gain of the other. Old as the hills and not good to play into.

It is Manipulation
When situations such as above occur, manipulation is in the works. Playing people against each other or acting in a passive aggressive manner in dealing with conflict is not only covert bullying it is manipulation. It is also futile effort.

No Good Acts
When in this circumstance, no action, good or bad will matter. If one has become a target of a manipulator, silenced or is being ignored, the bully pulpit is in full force and there is no recourse but to lay low. Why? No matter what one does, one will not be right. Why? Because one has become an object. An object to be pushed out of the way. No amount of trying will change the perception.

Why?
In most cases, nothing is personal. Something better has come along. Best alternative is not to internalize any feelings of rejection, injustice, or abandonment, and consider the source. The fact is clear. Anyone who hides behind other people and makes excuses to achieve the end result is living with their own agenda and there is no way to change it. Perception is in the eye of the beholder.

It Was Decided Long Ago
Finding an excuse to duck away and putting the burden of proof on another is not only manipulative, it is mean. And usually orchestrated to alleviate as much as possible the guilt of the accusing party. Not falling into the rejection mode is not easy, but can be achieved. It just takes time. And going through in some ways the stages of grief. And then getting pissed and finally letting go because it was never good enough anyway.

Courage to Speak Up When the Injustice Affects Others
Speaking up and speaking out comes at a price. One has to determine the location and setting and the end result. But speaking out is good and necessary if the end results is injustice to others. And speaking up is good. And confronting injustice and political manipulation can cause grief, but in the end, speaking out is worth the pain. It is a matter of weighing the odds and looking at the participants. For example, an  adulterer and a mistress can find a spiritual reason for maintaining the affair. They can even convince themselves that they have a mission in life bringing them together. But reality is, they are still cheating. Fighting against this type of immoral action is not worth it. Best to walk away and let karma take it. But when the relationship starts to take away from others, one can decide to speak out. Or keep quiet and know that silence is agreement.  Outing this situation will usually only result in the greased pig theory. Choosing which mountain to climb is self-preservation. Usually conflict works out in the long run.

Rationally Speaking
Speaking out or up with a terse tone is usually a result of tiredness, frustration, or a feeling of injustice. And everyone has such moments. No need to internalize or beat oneself up. The same conversation can be had in other circumstances and one is lauded as courageous and fair.  Maintaining a calm demeanor is easier when the fit is right. Cutting loses and walking away when one questions character is ok. It is someone hanging a hat on an excuse that is only that, an excuse for dislike or a desire to eradicate. Objectify.

Speaking Up
Our personalities are set when we are young. We reap what we sow. We project what we think we deserve and we settle for what we accept. Shaming another for speaking out with no opportunity for discussion is not only sneaky, it is bullying behavior grounded in passive aggressiveness. In my book, I have a tough time respecting someone who does not have the courage to confront conflict. I see them as weak> They may use the buffer zone to deflect and consider this a positive leadership trait, I see it as cowardice.

Healthy By 60 New Year

So what is the normal New Year's goal? Lose weight. Get healthy. Find a focus. But what is real? What is possible? What is practical?

A goal is a dream written down. So what are goals to get healthy by 60?

It is about giving up sugar and junk food.
It is about becoming more active. Like to add 1000 steps a week to the Fit Bit to reach 10,000 steps a day.
It is about more down time. Giving up Facebook and so much social media. Journaling and reflecting.
It is about time with people and less isolation.
Rest.
Lack of inflammation
Planning some small trips to support growth.
Giving back to others.
Letting go of the past.

Letting go of pretense.
Taking it six weeks at a time until the time is right.
Letting go of competition.
New clothes.
Setting a goal for the next part of life.
Taking time with friends and family and not holing up alone.

Those are real authentic goals. And the goal is accountability. Time, Mindfulness and pausing. Not letting anxiety and fear overcome.

Appreciation
1. Gratitude
2. Appreciating friends.
3. Seeking out new experiences
4. Having patience.
5. Not comparing.
6.Appreciating the truth.

Love over loss.
No jealousy or envy.
Giving to self as equally as to others.
Activity.



NPR has a new book club.
Golden Globes are opening Award's Season.
The Donald Trump tell all, Fire and Fury, is running off the shelves.
Victoria Season Two
Jazzercise has classes all over the country.
Joyce Meyer provides motivation daily in her messages.
Valentine's Day is coming!!
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